journalismus

Part 2

2011-07-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

The Lower East Side Harm Reduction Center on Allen St in Manhattan was one of the first, and it has struggled on and off with funding and stigma since it opened in 1990. “It’s a miracle it’s still around,” said director Raquel Algarin. Tucked among Chinese food markets, kitchen equipment suppliers and thread and fabric stores, the storefront windows are covered in flyers for group meetings and yoga classes, and a sign proclaiming that no drugs are to be sold or used on the premises. Most afternoons, men unload trucks of rice and fruit in front of the building, wheeling hand trucks back and forth on the sidewalk past the glass front door. This center is where Erik and Raina receive their ongoing peer exchange training and where they come at least once a week to stock up on supplies.

On the day of the visit to Doug's apartment, Raina had first stopped at the center. She was in a bit of a hurry and went straight to the alcove just inside the door, where an intern or employee checks in participants and handles exchanges. Cupboards are stocked with boxes of syringes, needles of different gauges and red hazardous waste disposal boxes. There's no limit to how many needles or syringes a peer exchanger can take. The center keeps track of every needle and syringe that goes through its doors on a computer. The number out and number in never match, but that isn’t the goal; the more clean supplies that go out, the less chance there is of infection.

Raina filled a wrinkled shopping bag with the “works,” for preparing and using heroin. She carefully chose cotton balls, gauze, Band-Aids and silver- and gold-colored bottle caps from clear plastic containers on a white metal shelving unit on the wall. As she did this, she kept lifting her arms to shake the sleeves down, since her sweatshirt was at least a size too big for her. She'd sewn patches on it, including a big square on the back with a smiling cartoon image of Thomas the Tank Engine. It nearly matched the train tattoo on her right wrist. Her forearms are covered in tattoos; from small, faded squiggles and stars to crude, Frankenstein-like stitches.

She saves some of the supplies she gathers at the center for herself and Erik (they prefer to cook their drugs in the silver caps rather than the gold ones, which she says rust too quickly), but most of them she passes out to friends and other users. The Lower East Side center recruits users who regularly come in for clean needles to become part of what they call their Positive Action Peer Education Program (PAPEP). There's a competitive admissions process, and there are three training cycles with 11 participants each year. They go through needle-stick, overdose and outreach training and are required to attend lectures at the health department and regular debriefing meetings at the center. At the end of each cycle, the top three PAPEP participants are offered internships, and everyone gets job search assistance. But there's no sobriety requirement. The irony is that drug users themselves are often the most qualified outreach workers, because they know where their fellow users hang out, what they need and what they will and won't do to get help. There's a trust there that doesn't always exist between well-meaning non-profit employees and their program participants. A sobriety requirement would also defeat harm reduction's aim to promote safe practices without forcing anyone into rehab or detox.

The center is not just a hub for syringe exchange. On average, about five people enter to pick up new syringes or drop off used ones every day, but many more cycle through the door for support group meetings, outreach training and sometimes just to hang out in the day room watching TV and drinking hot tea. The ground floor of the building houses the syringe exchange storefront, check-in desk, day room and several meeting and examination rooms. The walls are brightly decorated for each holiday with the kind of cardboard snowflakes, hearts or shamrocks that are often used to decorate school classrooms. Upstairs, caseworkers and administrators work at cubicles in one big, bright room with exposed brick walls. There's a housing specialist to get participants into apartments, a doctor who tests for HIV and other diseases, even a room reserved especially for Reiki, a hand healing technique that Raquel Algarin, the director, has found is good for relieving stress in both employees and participants.

When Raina's bag was nearly full of works, she asked the attendant for two boxes of one inch needles and one box of “halfs.” She said she takes more during the summer because there are a lot more people on the street and in the parks, especially teenagers who travel, like she did before settling in Brooklyn with Erik last July. Raina is representative of the recent trend toward a younger demographic of heroin users. She is 22, and has been injecting heroin since she was 15. She has a sweet face and a polite, slightly shy, demeanor. She wears hoop rings in the two piercings under her bottom lip and she has a big head of dark brown dreadlocks, some with small puka shells tied to the ends. “People just look at me and think I'm on drugs even when I'm not,” she said.

She was born in Detroit, and after attending six different high schools and being kicked out of her parents' house, Raina moved around a lot, mostly by herself. She went to Austin, Texas for a while and spent time in Hollywood, but never had a real place to live. She always stayed on the street or in a park, except for a short time a few years ago when her mother let her move back home while she went to cosmetology school. But she wanted to stop using, and the heroin in Detroit was “too good,” she said. But she said the dope in New York City, is bad, and that's good for her. As of that day in December, she claimed to be three weeks clean, but estimated that she'd slip up again within the next week. “I think you find comfort in what you know you can find anywhere,” she said after leaving the center to make her way to Stuyvesant Town. “I'm an addict, I can't explain it."

But she says she is trying to quit. She and Erik both started doing peer exchange when they entered methadone treatment in the summer, and Erik decided to stop selling heroin. He's 31, but looks much younger. He has a soft face with light blue eyes and makes eye contact with everyone he talks to. He has a big, thick cross tattoo on the front of his neck. He's tall and thin, with a buzzed hair cut. In December, he said he'd been clean for three months. But when Raina met up with him outside her methadone clinic at Gramercy Park, he said he'd just been kicked out of his own clinic for using foul language. He said they had him on a “detox plan” that was making him “sick and edgy,” but addiction expert Dr. Robert Newman at Beth Israel Medical Center said this is unlikely.

Detox is rarely used as treatment for heroin addiction, because relapse is the rule. “Bottom line: opiate addiction is a chronic, relapsing medical condition for which no cure has ever been demonstrated,” he said. What's easier to believe, and makes the most sense given Raina's stuffy nose and Erik's erratic personality, is that both of them are using regularly, but trying to stop by participating in methadone maintenance. This usually entails drinking a liquid solution, with opiate properties, to curb cravings. Newman said maintenance should “start low, go slow, aim high.” But he's frustrated with the “counter-therapeutic” practices he sees from a lot of providers, like forcing users to accept counseling whether they want it or not. That's the kind of practice harm reduction centers vehemently avoid, because it pushes participants away. Yet the stigma around various methods of harm reduction, methadone maintenance included, has kept programs like the Lower East Side center fighting to stay open.

I've been feeling kind of sorry for myself

2011-07-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

because I haven't really accomplished a whole lot since finishing J School. So I decided to post my master's project in installments, as a reminder of what I HAVE accomplished and as motivation to move forward. Here's Chapter 1.

On a gray, cold day in December, a young couple, poorly dressed for the weather, walked almost 20 blocks from Allen Street in the Lower East Side of Manhattan to the Stuyvesant Town apartment complex on First Avenue and 14th Street. Raina was wearing jeans with holes in them, black skateboarding shoes and a black zip-up hooded sweatshirt. Her boyfriend, Erik, had on a similar sweatshirt and jeans that sagged below his waist and crumpled on top of his Timberland work boots. Neither of them had gloves, though the temperature was nearly freezing. They had been walking around the city all day, as they did most days, unable or unwilling to spend their little money on the subway or cab fare.

As the daylight faded and it started to feel as if it might snow, they stopped outside one of the tall, plain brick apartment buildings of Stuyvesant Town and waited for someone to let them in. They stood outside the metal door, bouncing on the balls of their feet to keep warm. They were mostly quiet, until Erik started wondering aloud how he would be received by Doug, the man they were there to see. Last time they'd visited, he and Erik had come to blows when Erik accused Doug of stealing his television set. Doug had told him not to come back.

Raina narrowed her eyes at Erik when he suggested things might get physical again. “Erik, you can't start any shit up there, I'm serious,” she said. “If you do, I'm leaving. I don't wanna get arrested. We have jobs to do.” She was anxious and tired. She was struggling through a cold and, without tissues, had been leaning over to blow mucus out of her nose onto the sidewalk most of the day. Erik snickered at her threat, but almost immediately he softened. He relaxed a bit and recited his go-to phrase, “I love my Raina,” and gave her an awkward hug. She was not happy, and stiffened as he bent down to wrap his long arms around her narrow shoulders. She rolled her eyes.

A couple of residents – a mother and daughter, it seemed – opened the outer door, and Raina and Erik hurried into the vestibule. Before going up to the apartment, Raina told Erik that once they got in, they should stay on the linoleum by the door in case they needed to leave quickly. If they moved onto the carpet in Doug's living room, he'd make them take off their shoes, and it would be harder to make a quick exit.

Then Raina squatted on the floor in the hall to make one last check of the plastic shopping bag she'd been carrying. It held two boxes of one-inch needles, one box of half-inch needles, a box of 100 medical grade syringes, cotton balls, a handful of small plastic bags full of silver and gold bottle caps and a bright red bio hazard disposal box. Doug is part of the extended circle of friends Raina and Erik have made in their years of intravenous drug use; he deals heroin out of his tiny apartment in Stuyvesant Town. On that day, Raina and Erik were making their weekly visit to supply him with the clean needles and syringes he gives to his regular customers. “We're not supposed to give syringes to dealers,” Raina said, as she pushed the buzzer for Doug's apartment. “But I think if they need them, they should have them.”

Raina and Erik are the harm reduction movement's foot soldiers in the nation's war on drugs. It's a controversial battle that targets not the users or the dealers, but the dangerous ways people take drugs, and the diseases, such as HIV/AIDS and hepatitis, that often result from injecting them with unclean needles. Raina and Erik know the dangers first hand; they're both heroin users, and Erik has been living with Hepatitis C for twelve years. Raina says she has been diagnosed twice with acute viral hepatitis - a form of the disease that usually resolves on its own without turning into one of the chronic forms, like B and C. They both say they are trying to get clean, but their syringe exchange job, for which they are paid a stipend of $100 every two weeks, keeps them in constant contact with other users.

The more traditional generals in the drug war are skeptical of, if not morally opposed to, this focus on harm reduction over use reduction. But decades of medical research show that syringe exchange works to combat disease. Between 1992 and 2002, there was a 25 percent decrease in new cases of HIV among intravenous drug users in New York, a statistic largely attributed to access to clean needles. The research indicates that HIV infection is reduced without increasing drug use or the litter of paraphernalia near storefront exchanges. A 2010 study from San Francisco State University showed that needle exchange programs might actually reduce the amount of paraphernalia litter. The data on efficacy are now widely considered beyond argument, but have not led to increased sources of federal funding for needle exchange programs.

Opponents say funding of syringe exchange programs is tantamount to paying for users to continue doing illegal drugs. This may be closer to the truth in Vancouver, where users can exchange dirty needles for clean ones and “shoot up” in the same safe place. That's not what harm reduction advocates in the U.S. permit. They just need funds to continue providing a place for people who use drugs (or poor people in ill health who have to inject insulin or steroids) to safely dispose of used needles and get new, clean ones for free.

Until December 2009, federal funds were only available for the “support services” that harm reduction centers offer, such as HIV testing, outreach and prevention. New language in the Fiscal Year 2010 Consolidated Appropriations Act made it possible for some federal funding to also be used for syringe exchange. While this is a triumph of more than twenty years of legislative work, it isn't enough. There is no additional money allocated for syringe exchange and most states still only use the funds, which come through the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), for support services. But in New York, where the American harm reduction movement began in the 1980s, the state is working with the federal government to allow the use of federal money left over from fiscal year 2010 to fund syringe exchange. But not-for-profit service organizations like harm reduction centers usually don’t have money “left over,” and local advocates know their funding troubles are far from over.

2011-06-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

Great column by Adam Liptak in the New York Times today about justices relying a little heavily on dictionaries.

I've made good use of some online legal dictionaries recently, and I'll admit that even regular English is hard to understand in some court documents. But looking up words like "prevent" and even "of" is a little nit-picky, no?

2011-06-10T07:13:00.000-07:00

Was just going through some of my old posts and came across this one about state secrets that's related to the news today that the NSA official Thomas Drake who was accused of giving classified documents to a Baltimore Sun reporter and keeping the documents at home has entered a plea deal. He agreed to plead guilty to a misdemeanor for "misusing the agency's computer system."

Another example of Obama's unprecedented crackdown on whistle blowers.

There was a great New Yorker piece about Drake and the larger issue last month.

Back again

2011-06-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm not sure if anyone actually uses Blogger anymore...I know Tumblr is more popular, but I wanted to revive my old blog now that I have time to do it!

An interesting note about the title, which is German for my profession - I took German in high school and college and never thought it would be very useful in the future. Amazingly, I've been at my new job for a little over a week and have had to decipher German press releases twice!

Last I wrote, I had gotten accepted to Columbia. It was the fastest, most intense and rewarding year of my life so far. It was stressful and challenging, but those are things I thrive on, so I adapted well. I also made a few really good friends. Oh, and I got a job.

I'm now a late shift reporter at Law360, a business law newswire. I'm still in training - so far I've written about 10 articles about intellectual property law and three or four about competition and antitrust. There are 12 practice areas that Law360 covers so far (it's a growing company) so I'll be trained in each area before I'm set off on my own.

But so far I'm loving it. I read court complaints and decisions and translate legalese into English for subscribers who are lawyers that mostly write in legalese themselves, but appreciate reading about what other lawyers are doing in English. I'm learning a lot, and adjusting to my schedule, which is 1pm to 9pm.

Reid moved up here two weeks ago and has been doing freelance work at a scenic shop in Brooklyn, so we haven't been able to spend much time together. In a couple of months, though, we'll be moving to Brooklyn (hopefully) and settling into a more consistent routine.

So that's what's up! =)

It's all happening!

2010-04-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have to say I'm really pleased with the way life has been going since I stopped grasping for control so much. I applied to Columbia on a whim, the same way I took the LSAT, and both of those things turned out really well for me. They're unrelated, however: contrary to popular belief I am not going to Columbia for law, but for journalism. If I had more rational parents, they'd wince at that, but instead I have incredibly compassionate and supportive parents who want me to succeed, but want even more for me to be happy. So off I go, to be happy working my ass off at one of the top schools in the country for something I've always wanted. And it still doesn't feel real.

Going to the open house last week made it seem more imminent, even if I still don't fully have a grasp on what I'm in for. The campus, of course, is beautiful, and the history of the place makes it seem impossible not to learn something there - the school was founded by King George in 1754.

I am excited, but I'm not fooling myself - this is going to be hard. I just know, though, by the reaction I had to the acceptance letter and the chills I got listening to current M.S. students speak, that this is what I want. I just have to convince myself it's really happening to me.

The future of newspapers. Yes, it exists, albeit in a different form.

2010-03-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

I like to think that my journalism professors didn't try to shelter me from the ugly truth about the industry. They let us know up front: this isn't going to be easy. You really have to love it. I don't know how many times I heard that last sentence. You really have to love it. For a couple of reasons: it's low-paid, stressful, and nowadays you could lose your job at any moment.

But I came out of J-school still believing in the value of reporting, whatever form it may take. And that's what I think is encouraging about the way the industry is going - we're being forced to tell stories through various media at once and to find ways of actively engaging information consumers.

I do understand that there is a financial aspect to all of this. I won't pretend to understand much about it, like how to fix it, but I do think it can be fixed, if only because economists and newspaper people seem to agree.

Google Public Policy just released a report about the newspaper dilemma. The following is the excerpt that I found the most enlightening:

"...the fact of the matter is that newspapers have never made much money from news. They’ve made money from the special interest sections on topics such as Automotive, Travel, Home & Garden, Food & Drink, and so on."

I never thought about it in this way, but it makes sense. First there were niche magazines, now there are thousands of niche websites for any particular interest you may have, and they're free to access. Why pick up a paper for the Lifestyle section when you can find exactly what you're looking for online? Here's an explanation of how this hurts the papers:

"Traditionally, the ad revenue from these special sections has been used to cross-subsidize the core news production. Nowadays internet users go directly to websites like Edmunds, Orbitz, Epicurious, and Amazon to look for products and services in specialized areas. Not surprisingly, advertisers follow those eyeballs, which makes the traditional cross-subsidization model that newspapers have used far more difficult."

Again, I'm not an economist or a marketing expert or anything, but I am a journalist and I know that we will somehow find a way to keep newspapers relevant, even if they aren't technically on paper anymore. In a world where anyone can say anything they want and someone will believe them, there will always be a need for trained writers and producers with editors backing them up and cross-checking their facts.

Tea, coffee, or just water under the bridge?

2010-03-04T06:20:00.000-08:00

I've written about the Tea Party before, and by now most people probably know what it is, but just in case, and to avoid redundancy, here's a link: http://www.teapartypatriots.org/ and if you type "Tea Party" into Google and click News at the top, you'll have a billion more links to peruse.

But now there's another party named for a caffeinated drink that's spurring chatter and controversy, though not as much of the latter as the Tea Party did. The Coffee Party. Again, groans. This is lame, right? It's just a liberal reaction to the Tea Party. Well, maybe not.

The movement started recently with a woman named Annabel Park who has apparently taken on this project in lieu of a paying job. She used to be a documentary filmmaker and has worked in journalism for a while. She was born in Korea. You can read more about her and the party in the Washington Post or New York Times articles.

The ideals of both of these grassroots parties are similar - they're sick of partisan bickering and nothing really being done. Their ranks are full of some of the millions of Americans fed up with our government. But while the Tea Party has quite a few, dare I say it?, extremists...as of yet the Coffee Party seems more docile, despite what its name and slogan may suggest. The Coffee Party says they're more interested in citizen involvement in government, where the Tea Party is pretty much anti-government.

So there's your comparison, but here's my question: do either of these "parties" matter? Sure, the Tea Party has a smidgen of historical significance and Sarah Palin as its spokeswoman, but do any legislators take these people seriously? I certainly don't think the president does. It just seems like an outlet for people who want to feel like they're doing something important. It reminds me of a war protest I attended in high school. If the fact that I was in high school doesn't tell you enough, I'll add that I really didn't know anything about the Iraq war except that it was happening. And I was on a Quaker campus and by default decided the war was wrong. So I joined a protest, partly to get out of class and partly to be a part of something for a couple of hours - to feel like I was a participatory citizen and might be making some kind of difference. I don't necessarily think there was anything wrong with that, but I also don't think it really mattered.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of protest and activism and campaigning, but only if the people involved are fully educated and 100% invested in their cause. I feel like most of the Tea Partiers are just kids wanting to get out of class and downtrodden folks with nothing else in their lives that makes them feel important. Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to feel important, but I don't think it's effective, and it can be dangerous.

So I'm thinking the same thing is probably going on with the Coffee Party. And there's been a little bit of a backlash against Annabel Park by one of the party's followers that is reminiscent of the Tea Party's most disgruntled. An anonymous Coffee Party member forwarded me an email from another member, who listed off a number of publications at which Park has been published and also a number of organizations for which she's worked. According to the writer of the email, Park had claimed she was new to grassroots organizing. I'm not sure of the significance of this, but splinters beginning to spread so early can't be encouraging.

Whether or not these groups make any kind of difference, and the idealist in me really wants them to (I'm favoring the Coffee Party actually), it is encouraging to see people gathering for a political cause. That's what America is supposed to be about after all, right? Well, I guess it depends on which cup you're drinking out of...

School Board Bantering

2010-03-03T06:07:00.001-08:00

Yesterday a friend from high school told me he'd found my blog and was really impressed by my writing...I guess I just needed an ego boost to come back! haha! ;)

The truth is, I've been mulling over a lot of issues and trying to decide which of my opinions I can flesh out enough to talk about coherently. First, I'm going to go with something local. The Wake County School Board.

I can hear you groaning. Trust me, I'm sick of it too. I don't have any kids, but interestingly enough, neither do most of the people who are spouting off about the issue. And the issue is this: race. When Barack Obama became president, there was this call for Americans to now somehow be "above race." If anything, it seems to have brought the issue even more to the forefront than it was before the election. I'm not sure if that really has anything to do with the local school board election, but it's an atmosphere that surely permeates a lot of lower levels of government.

Wake County currently uses a policy they call "busing for diversity." The way I understand it, schools in communities with a high density of minority students (black and Hispanic kids mostly) don't do so well - maybe it's because teachers don't want to teach there...but maybe they don't want to teach there because the schools don't do well... Regardless, the schools that don't do so well don't get so much money from the state to continue operating. There are also arguments that it's bad for students culturally to be in a school with only kids of their same race. The local NAACP chapters and many minority parents claim that an end to busing for diversity would mean "resegregation." I don't like this word. This is an unpopular sentiment, but I'd almost say it's a cop-out.

What they mean, is that if Wake County stops busing, there will be all-white schools in all-white neighborhoods and all-black schools in all-black neighborhoods. But why are the neighborhoods "segregated" in the first place?

Another disclosure: I'm a white girl. But I've gone to school with and worked with a lot of people from all different backgrounds, and I've worked on poverty studies and done a lot of volunteering for homeless shelters, and I've had my share of civil rights education. So with all of that combined, I have a pretty good idea of the demographics of life in areas with a high density of minority residents. I know what it takes to become impoverished and what it takes to come out of the cycle. Because it is a cycle. If you grew up poor, your children will probably grow up poor unless you make a change. And if you're poor, you may not be able to feed your kids enough for them to concentrate in class. Or you may not have a car to get them to school. Or any number of other reasons that your kids may not do well in school. And then they'll have less opportunities later in their educations and in their career lives.

The only way to stop this cycle is to break out of it yourself. Not to wait for someone else to fix it, for the government to nurse you out of it for years and years (that doesn't usually work), not to beg the mostly-white school board to continue busing your kids to schools on the other side of town in white neighborhoods. Yes, the education may be better there, but here is the question: Don't you want to better the schools in your OWN neighborhood?

Black conservative candidate for Congress in NC Bill Randall came up to the mic at the school board meeting last night and said this :

"I’d be absolutely appalled and insulted if someone told me I can’t cut the mustard unless I can get help from the outside community."

I dunno what that silliness is about cutting mustard, bu the point stands: if you want to keep segregation at bay, start doing something about it yourself. Take responsibility for your own children, your own schools, your own neighborhoods. Better yourself and do not depend on the school board or the "white neighborhoods" to bail you out.

I know this sounds harsh, and I probably sound like I'm turning in to a grumpy Republican, and it may even sound like I'm a racist. Actually, I see it in the opposite way. I agree with the cultural argument to some degree - I benefited from going to diverse schools. But to be perfectly honest, I am tired of the tirades against "resegregation." I find it very hard to believe that Ron Margiotta and his school board cronies are trying to invoke Jim Crow. I also don't think they've got the students' best interests at the top of their priority list, but my point is that Rev. Barber and the NAACP are not helping their cause by crying segregation. And there's my piece.

Why I Still Believe In Change

2009-12-02T05:37:00.001-08:00

A lot of the Obama supporters I know are, after last night's speech, disappointed in our president. I'm not.

As a member of the media I get press releases and speech scripts from the White House, which I usually ignore because they're long and drawn-out and I can get condensed versions from multiple news sources. But today I decided to read the one titled FACT SHEET: THE WAY FORWARD IN AFGHANISTAN AND PAKISTAN. Here's an excerpt that I think is a great, thorough explanation of what President Obama has decided:

The President has decided to deploy an additional 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan. These troops will deploy on an accelerated timeline to reinforce the 68,000 Americans and 39,000 non-U.S. ISAF troops already there, so that we can target the insurgency, break its momentum, and better secure population centers. These forces will increase our capacity to train effective Afghan Security Forces, and to partner with them so that more Afghans get into the fight. And by pursuing these partnerships, we can transition to Afghan responsibility, and begin to reduce our combat troops in the summer of 2011. In short, these resources will allow us to make the final push that is necessary to train Afghans so that we can transfer responsibility.

Personally, I think this is the only way to go. An Op-Ed columnist for the New York Times writes today that Obama took the easy way out by adding so many troops so quickly. He writes:

It would have been much more difficult for Mr. Obama to look this troubled nation in the eye and explain why it is in our best interest to begin winding down the permanent state of warfare left to us by the Bush and Cheney regime. It would have taken real courage for the commander in chief to stop feeding our young troops into the relentless meat grinder of Afghanistan, to face up to the terrible toll the war is taking — on the troops themselves and in very insidious ways on the nation as a whole.

In my opinion, adding additional forces is the best way to start 'winding down.' It's clear that things are not going well the way they are. I think Obama made it pretty clear that the plan is to have quick turnover so that we will start getting out of there in 2011 and not leave Afghanistan & Pakistan in turmoil that could lead to more bloodshed there and possibly in the U.S. in the form of terror attacks.

This is from the USA Today:

Support for the war has been eroding as U.S. casualties mount. At a roundtable Monday with a bipartisan group of voters from the Philadelphia area, Democratic pollster Peter Hart asked participants to stand up if they thought it was time to begin withdrawing American forces. Six of the 11 rose to their feet — most of them Obama supporters in the 2008 election.

"What the public is looking for as much as anything is a sense of leadership and a definition of goals and objectives," Hart said.

At a White House luncheon Tuesday with newspaper editorial writers, Obama admitted the political difficulties ahead.

"One speech is not going to suddenly persuade (the American people) that investing a lot more blood and treasure in Afghanistan is an attractive proposition. My goal is to explain to the American people why we have to finish the job."

I think we have as much a sense of leadership and as clear a definition of goals and objectives that we can expect at this point. I think our president is a realist, and he has made the choice that makes the most sense for the future of our nation, Afghanistan & Pakistan. I also think the troops, who are not just numbers but human people willing to give their life for our safety, need to hear from their president that they are not alone, that he has a viable plan for them and a timeline for which their mission should be completed. There is argument over the arbitrariness and even danger of a declared date of departure from Afghanistan, but without at least an idea of a deadline, hope for success is scarce.

One thing I've kept in mind ever since Gen. McChrystal asked for more troops is that he is there in Afghanistan and really knows what's going on there, he knows what his troops need to have the best outcome from this war.

From NPR's blog, The Two Way:

Here's what the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan has to say about the new strategy announced last night by President Barack Obama. Gen. Stanley McChrystal, the Associated Press writes, said today that:

He's "absolutely supportive" of the 18-month timeline for President Barack Obama's troop surge even though Taliban forces may try to wait out the increased U.S. commitment. He said the U.S. and its partners need to convince the Taliban they cannot win.

One final note: Just as with the economic downturn, the problems with Afghanistan and Pakistan were inherited, not created, by President Obama, and I believe he is making decisions now in the best interest of the American people to the best of his ability.

And one final link from Slate, which explains why Obama, though he may not deserve a Nobel Peace Prize, has actually done a hell of a lot for this country in his first year.

2009-11-13T09:01:00.000-08:00

We just got a call in the newsroom from someone asking for the program director and then one of our senior reporters by name. When I told him neither of them were here right now, he said, ok, well could you give them a message?

"Let's stop calling Hasan a "suspect." That's for the government and lawyers to say."

Me: "Well we're saying that because he hasn't been convicted yet."

"But that's a word for lawyers to use, we know he did it. Also he's the one who said he was a Muslim before he was an American so let's stop saying Muslim American when referring to him. He's just a Muslim."

Wow. How about you go *$*%&$**. I won't write what I said after hanging up the phone.

First of all, what blatant ignorance. You have formed your opinion so you don't want to hear the truth, which is that this man, because of the laws in this nation, is innocent until proven guilty, a right I'm sure you'd fight for, regardless of who saw him do it. As ethical journalists, we are not to call him anything other than a suspect until he's convicted. I don't expect every listener to understand this but...could they maybe consider that the world doesn't revolve around them for a minute?

Secondly, saying we should not call him a Muslim American offended me because who the hell are you to say that patriotism comes before fact? Ok you hate him because he yelled praise God in Arabic while shooting American soldiers, but the hard facts of this case are that he too was an American soldier, which means he is indeed an American. He happens to be Muslim, and I'm not discounting the fact that his religion had something to do with his rampage, but just because that offends you, you don't want us to report all the facts we have about this man.

I just can't stand it when people tell me how to do my job and on top of that they're ignorant and self-centered and cocky and bigoted.

I guess the thing that pisses me off the most though is that so many listeners don't want this to be the news station that it is. When we do newscasts during Rush, they call in complaining that we're too liberal. Then when we report news they don't feel is necessary, they tell us to stop, like they're entitled to do so. People just get their head so full of editorial shows they think that's all there is. Well sorry guys but there is more than one way of thinking and it's our job to put it all out there.

And these are the same people that tell us we're keeping things from them and trying to mold the news liberally - this guy wants us to leave out pieces he doesn't want his conservative buddies to hear! F that!

I did it :)

2009-11-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of my Special K Challenge :)
I think I've lost about five pounds, but more importantly I've learned how to control what I eat so that I'm not eating healthy half the day and then ruining it at 9pm when I'm craving cookies or ice cream.
I'm ridiculously excited to go to the farmers' market after work and get some veggies and then hit the new Trader Joe's that just opened up to stock up on *real food*!!! I'll be sticking to a pretty strict regimen but it's not so much of a hassle now. I'm getting used to not over-stuffing myself and although there are foods I'd like to eat that aren't great for me, well I can eat them in little bits! Moderation is key I believe :)
I'm really proud of myself just for doing this for a whole two weeks. Of course I gave myself some "wiggle room" in this diet, but I never slipped and ate McDonald's or a big piece of cake, and I barely even had any candy on Halloween. The hardest thing was Sunday night when I was at my parents' house and my dad made spaghetti, but I drank my protein shake knowing that I had learned my strength and would soon be able to eat spaghetti in moderation :)
The new plan is smoothies for breakfast, nuts, fruit or cheese for snacks & salads, sandwiches with whole grain bread or chicken or fish dishes for other meals. Every once in a while of course I have to eat pancakes or Cook Out or something, but it will be much less often than before!

Hm...who knew that after all my triumphs in the U.K. I could still make myself proud at home??

Feeling Good

2009-10-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

I've realized that I'm actually no longer craving sweet, starchy, carb-ridden foods for breakfast. This, I think, is going to be one of the best outcomes of this diet. Also, I still crave sweets after dinner, but I now manage to avoid them, or if I do sneak a piece of candy, it's only one piece, and I don't find myself continually going back saying, "just one more." Yes, I had a problem with that before.

I'm starting to think about what my diet is going to be like once the Special K challenge is over. My parents have a blender they're not using and I'm thinking a smoothie for breakfast may be my new routine. I definitely want to eat more fresh foods, fruits and veggies and less processed stuff like the cereal bars I've been eating every day. I'm thinking dried fruit & nuts for snacks instead.

Another thing I've been surprisingly not missing is cheese. I'm a huge cheese person, and while I've sneaked it in here or there, shredded on salads mostly, I'm not eating a whole lot of it and I'm not craving it either. Maybe it's the motivation to go through with this whole challenge, but I hope this feeling lasts after next Tuesday.

Yesterday someone told me I looked thinner, and when I asked Reid he agreed. My scale at home, however, is stuck at 280 instead of 0, and even when I do the math it tells me I've gained 5 pounds, which, while I don't think I've lost a lot, I find hard to believe.

So, I'm getting excited about trying new recipes and becoming a real couponer next week when this challenge is over. And I've been hesitant to do any real workouts for fear of gorging myself or just being really, really tired afterward from lack of nutrients, so once I'm eating 'real' food regularly again, I should be able to get back on the elliptical & weight machines, which I'm really looking forward to =) Pilates is fun and relaxing though, and definitely good for the abs (that's what I've been doing in place of harder workouts.)

So here's to my protein shake, cereal bars & lean cuisine today! The sun is out and I'm feeling positive!

newfound will power

2009-10-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

I've completed the first week of the Special K challenge, and aside from Friday dinner followed by copious drinks and a Halloween sugar cookie Monday night, I think I'm doing pretty well.
It's been surprisingly easy for me to ignore my cravings and control what I eat. I don't have any sweets in my apartment, or much food at all for that matter. Since I started the challenge all I have is Special K stuff and Lean Cuisines for the one meal a day that I can eat outside of Special K products. A few times I've eaten that one meal out, of course, but I haven't really been cooking at all.
I feel a little thinner, but I don't think I look any different, and my scale is broken so who really knows if I've lost any weight. I'm into week two now and I feel that it may be the part that actually yields results.

Still goin strong...kind of

2009-10-23T06:14:00.000-07:00

It's Day 3, and although I've felt a little hungrier than usual, I've also felt more in control of my eating habits. I will admit though that I haven't been following the rules exactly.

Yesterday I did pretty well, but for my 'normal lunch' I had a Subway chicken, bacon & ranch sandwich - BUT it was on wheat bread and I got light ranch! I didn't get any tea or diet soda or chips either.

Then when it was time for my cereal dinner I was starving so I had a pretty big bowl of cereal - probably not the suggested amount but I'm not trying to starve myself here. I think that extra cereal helped me ignore the cookies on Reid's bedside table and the Taco Bell he ate for dinner...Also, I did have a latte yesterday because I was feeling sluggish, but it had skim milk and only half a Splenda!

One thing that keeps nagging at me is that where before when I would get a sense of control and happiness from my eating habits, I could be sure that what I was doing was healthy. Now, I know I'm eating mostly processed foods, so it's not the same. After watching that Slate V video that I posted yesterday in its entirety, I realize the psychological effects fad diets can have.

Still, I don't feel like I'm in danger yet. I'm still eating, and possibly still less of what I eat is processed compared to what many other people my age eat.

Day 1

2009-10-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

The Special K Challenge was not too much of a challenge today, thankfully. I had almond & cinnamon cereal and a banana for breakfast, a vanilla crisp cereal bar for a snack, a strawberry protein shake for lunch, a few crackers for another snack, and then I was allowed to eat 'normal food' for dinner. I had pasta with chicken - yum leftovers.

I also had some coffee and wine today, which are not on the diet, but I don't think they will make much of a difference. At least I hope they won't.

The hardest part is going to be after I finish this post and have to a)convince myself to put in the Pilates DVD after I feel I've digested sufficiently and b)keep from raiding the pantry or the Halloween candy dish.

I made a menu for the next couple of weeks with crayons last night. I guess I was trying to make it seem more fun.

I also had a pretty productive day, which was helpful in not thinking about food. I did actually have my stomach grumble at work, though. And when my colleague, Blackman, mentioned something about how we could all use some Dunkin Donuts, I almost freaked out because he's been known to bring them in. Thankfully, I think he forgot shortly after mentioning it.

So Day 1 is complete but I know not to get cocky because tomorrow will be harder.

Annnnnd I just got a phone call from Reid, who asked me if I had eaten yet, which means he is going to pick up dinner at McDonald's or Cook Out and eat it here while we watch Glee together. *wimper* ....

In White House v. Fox, Kaus Wins

2009-10-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

I don't usually read the Kausfiles on Slate, just not really interested most of the time. But Mickey Kaus has caught my attention with this post about Fox's journalistic integrity, or lack thereof. He explains why he agrees not that Fox "isn't a real news organization" but that it is different from other news organizations in the way that it's not independent. He makes a good point when he says, "The idea of the First Amendment isn't that everyone will be fair. It's that everyone will be free, and out of it all the voters will come to their own conclusion about what's fair--right?"

Right. I hope.

Special Kait

2009-10-20T18:11:00.001-07:00

Mmmmm. Right now I am stuffing my face with lemon poppyseed muffin. Why? Because when I wake up tomorrow, I will be in boot camp. Will power boot camp. Tomorrow I begin the Special K Challenge.

If you're asking why I would do this to myself, I will probably be right there with you in a few days...or hours. The thing is, I've been wanting to lose a little bit of weight for about two years now, and I always have some excuse - oh I'm sick, I have my period, it's really cold outside (???), I have a test to study for, I'm still too sore from two days ago...Then I was laying on the couch watching Cake Challenge and debating whether or not to get another 100 calorie Oreo bar and I randomly decided, I'm going to try Special K.

Supposedly if you eat 5 times a day - 4 of them a Special K cereal or waffle or protein shake or cereal bar, one of them a regular meal - you will lose a pant size in two weeks. I'm going to do this with a few modifications and a daily 30-minute Pilates regimen. But I need your help.

I like to blame my love of food on many things: my Italian heritage, my mother being a great cook, my hereditary sweet tooth. I've made some changes in the past few months by eating more vegetables and cooking for myself far more than I eat out, but I still falter often. I find myself wondering, isn't the happiness I get from eating this huge piece of cake more important than a few pounds? The thing is, though, it's not just a few pounds. This is about long-term health for me.

Yes, I know eating tons of Special K products isn't exactly healthy, but I plan on using this experience to teach myself the self-control I need to stick to a healthy diet and exercise plan, as well as lose a couple pounds for motivation.

But I know it is going to be hard. I've tried things like this before and never made it all the way through. Two weeks seems like a long time right now. I like this diet because it will let me eat some regular food and won't make me excrete a black snake. *shudder*

So, I'm nibbling on the crumbs of my lemon poppyseed muffin and asking for some cheerleaders - help me find my will power!

if you were wondering why i haven't been blogging

2009-10-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

I like to blog about political things and lately I've just been kind of disgusted by it all.

Under the direction of Ms. Dunn, the administration has begun to punch back. On Sept. 20, the president visited all the Sunday talk shows save Fox News’, with Ms. Dunn explaining that Fox was not a legitimate news organization, but a “wing of the Republican Party.”

Might as well just give up and say "Here you go Rush!! Attack away!!"

Bunny Fuel

2009-10-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2009/10/swedes_burn_rabbit_carcasses_t.html
This is really interesting - I guess there are way too many rabbits in Sweden and they regularly hunt them to curb the overpopulation, but now instead of burying them or something, they're freezing them and then using them as biofuel. I think I'm ok enough with this to think it's a cool idea. I think. I just wish they hadn't used the term "bunny bodies."

a great column by David Brooks

2009-10-02T05:26:00.001-07:00

The Wizard of Beck

Over the years, I have asked many politicians what happens when Limbaugh and his colleagues attack. The story is always the same. Hundreds of calls come in. The receptionists are miserable. But the numbers back home do not move. There is no effect on the favorability rating or the re-election prospects. In the media world, he is a giant. In the real world, he’s not.

But this is not merely a story of weakness. It is a story of resilience. For no matter how often their hollowness is exposed, the jocks still reweave the myth of their own power. They still ride the airwaves claiming to speak for millions. They still confuse listeners with voters. And they are aided in this endeavor by their enablers. They are enabled by cynical Democrats, who love to claim that Rush Limbaugh controls the G.O.P. They are enabled by lazy pundits who find it easier to argue with showmen than with people whose opinions are based on knowledge. They are enabled by the slightly educated snobs who believe that Glenn Beck really is the voice of Middle America.

They pay more attention to Rush’s imaginary millions than to the real voters down the street. The Republican Party is unpopular because it’s more interested in pleasing Rush’s ghosts than actual people. The party is leaderless right now because nobody has the guts to step outside the rigid parameters enforced by the radio jocks and create a new party identity. The party is losing because it has adopted a radio entertainer’s niche-building strategy, while abandoning the politician’s coalition-building strategy.

so sick of this crap

2009-09-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

There was an amber alert this morning for a 12-year old girl and her sister. The 12-year old is pregnant and it was a troubled pregnancy for which she was scheduled a c-section in the next week or so. Naturally, we've been reporting about this all day. Now the girls have been found.

This asshole calls in and says, "I just heard your newscast and it was very inappropriate. You identified the girl as pregnant. Now everyone knows. I'm a Christian and a child advocate and I don't think it's at all appropriate to give the names of minors or to describe them as pregnant."

Well why did they have to identify themselves as "Christian?" Why the hell did they have to assume that it was the worst thing in the whole world, the greatest "sin," just because that's how they would feel? Why do people think the whole world revoooolves around them?

Blackman, veteran newsman at the station, answered the phone and the conversation got pretty heated.

This girl was missing and pregnant and in need of immediate medical attention. Why the hell would you NOT say that she was pregnant? And eeeevery news agency in the state was broadcasting the girls' names - you do everything you can to find them!

state secrets

2009-09-23T08:16:00.001-07:00

Last January when I took Media Law & Ethics at Elon with Dr. Harrison (who, by the way, was the best professor I had at Elon), one of my assignments was to study a Supreme Court case dealing with media law and/or ethics and present it to the class.

I'll admit, the case I chose didn't have a whole lot to do with media per se, but it did cover civil liberties sort of issues.

It was El-Masri v. Tenet, and it was about extraordinary rendition. Basically, El-Masri had been moved from one place to another to, as he alleged, be tortured by the CIA.

Regardless of my views about whether or not El-Masri was guilty of anything or deserved to be tortured or imprisoned or moved from one country to another, the issue was about something called "state secrets." This is basically a privilege that allows the U.S. government to keep a court case from happening if the information that must be disseminated during the case can be considered a threat to national security.

I'll never forget presenting this report to the class, because one of my classmates was in the Army and he sat in the front row, in full fatigues, while I stood in front of the class. I vaguely knew his political views but he was really well-read and well-spoken and never exactly gave away whether he was pro-Iraq war or pro-torture or anti-anything, except maybe flag burning (he did his presentation on a flag-burning case.) I was nervous though, just because I was presenting my case with the angle that extraordinary rendition is illegal and it doesn't seem fair that the El-Masri case would be thrown out because the government didn't want the fact that they were using such tactics released. Or so it seemed to me at the time.

In the end, the presentation went well and I learned a lot from Joey, the Army man, about extraordinary rendition and torture and other things throughout that class.

I bring this up today, though, because of this news: Obama to Set Higher Bar For Keeping State Secrets.

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Obama has been doing a lot of things lately and I'm finding myself more and more skeptical. Reid says my first mistake was to believe in Obama - if I set my expectations low I wouldn't be disappointed. I'm just kind of confused by a lot of the decisions he's making and I'm not sure if they're the right ones.

Regardless, this is big news and directly relates to the research I did back in January for Dr. Harrison's class. It's good to see things come full circle like that. And it's encouraging at least to see that Obama is trying to be transparent. I'm just not sure if the timing is right, with alleged terror plotters being arrested in three states recently.

everything has changed

2009-09-21T19:18:00.001-07:00

Tonight I went to my first docent training session at the N.C. Museum of History. After Debra had us all introduce ourselves and say what our favorite thing about N.C. is and showed us a cute DVD about how the museum works, she took us on a quick tour. It was about 8pm and the museum was closed so it was pretty cool. Also, I realized that if I have ever been to this museum before, it was in 5th grade and I'm sure it's changed since then.
The museum is really amazing and I plan on spending a lot of time just wandering around in there when I'm not volunteering. There's an 'environment,' as Debra said museum folk call it, basically a room you walk in to and you really feel like you're in a drug store in 1920, it's incredible.
There's also a big military history section, and a large, intimidating portion of it is dedicated to...the war in Iraq. This sort of took me aback. It's not like I've been living under a rock for the past 8 years, I know what's been going on for that time and even before then in Iraq and Afghanistan. I just never thought I'd walk through a museum exhibit depicting a war that was still going on. It's really strange when you actually go through a little experience like that and realize for a minute just how much everything has changed.

new project

2009-09-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

I am about to embark on a new project. Finally, one of my big ideas has the backing of a media outlet!
I've been trying to think of a subject on which I can do a long-form radio piece with photos and maybe a web component that can be played on WPTF and its sister stations and also be put online.
Of course all of that didn't factor in to my brainstorming at first, but now that I've come up with an idea that I'm passionate about and my boss likes, I'm excited to get going!

Since I moved to NC when I was 9 years old, I don't remember learning very much about the American Indians of the state. Fourth grade was NC history year and I'm sure there must have been a mention of Indians at some point, and I've been to plenty of museums and seen enough exhibits.
When it comes to the media though, I never really hear about what's going on with that group of people. I hear about blacks, Hispanics, even Appalachian people becoming interest groups on certain issues, but I never hear much about the American Indians in NC.
It turns out there's actually a lot to hear. The Lumbee Indians have been trying to get Federal recognition for years. The Cherokee are the only Federally recognized tribe in the state, and some don't think the Lumbee deserve the recognition.
Luckily the woman who's in charge of Native American education at the NC history museum is super helpful and she gave me a nice long list of people I can talk to about this.

I'm on my way to completing an exciting and informative new project and it's about time!

U.S. survey: More know about Islam, fewer think it's violent

2009-09-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

This is encouraging.

The survey by the Pew Research Center also showed that Americans still believe Muslims face far more discrimination than the nation's other religious groups.

The findings can be linked because increased knowledge about Muslims is tied to more sensitivity about bias they face, said Greg Smith, the report's senior researcher.
By 2007, 45% of Americans believed Islam was more likely than other faiths to encourage violence. This year, that number fell to 38%. The group most likely to say Islam encourages violence this year was conservative Republicans, at 55%. But that dropped 13% from two years ago, making them the group with the biggest change of opinion since 2007.

The survey, conducted by telephone, also indicated that Americans have grown steadily more knowledgeable about Islam: 41% knew that the Muslim name for God is Allah and the Quran is the Islamic sacred text, compared to 33% in March 2002.

The "small and gradual, but noticeable" change has an affect, Smith said. Those most familiar with Islam were least likely to link the religion with violence. Fifty-seven percent of people who knew the names Muslims use to refer to God and their sacred text, and were also acquainted with a Muslim, said Islam did not encourage violence more than other faiths.

my favorite pieces from last night's speech

2009-09-10T05:14:00.000-07:00

Well the time for bickering is over. The time for games has passed. Now is the season for action. Now is when we must bring the best ideas of both parties together, and show the American people that we can still do what we were sent here to do.

We will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out-of-pocket expenses, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they get sick. And insurance companies will be required to cover, with no extra charge, routine checkups and preventive care, like mammograms and colonoscopies – because there’s no reason we shouldn’t be catching diseases like breast cancer and colon cancer before they get worse. That makes sense, it saves money, and it saves lives.

We will do this by creating a new insurance exchange – a marketplace where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at competitive prices. Insurance companies will have an incentive to participate in this exchange because it lets them compete for millions of new customers. As one big group, these customers will have greater leverage to bargain with the insurance companies for better prices and quality coverage. This is how large companies and government employees get affordable insurance. It’s how everyone in this Congress gets affordable insurance. And it’s time to give every American the same opportunity that we’ve given ourselves.

If you misrepresent what’s in the plan, we will call you out. And I will not accept the status quo as a solution. Not this time.

A Lesson In Free Will

2009-09-08T05:55:00.000-07:00

OK, I understand why, if you're a hard line conservative, you may not want the president talking to your kids. Until the text of the speech came out, I still had a little bit of respect for parents who didn't want their kids listening to what the president had to say. After all, he has been acting a little sketchy lately (but who could blame him?)

Then my good friend Ryan Sweeney posted a link to the speech on Facebook. Here it is if you haven't read it yet.

There are a few things in there that can be picked out and turned against the president - there's a spot where he says that kids need to stay in school so they can help solve world problems and one of them is the environment. I've already heard a caller on NCMN say that's indoctrination about global warming. I won't go into what I think about that right now.

I also looked at the suggested teaching tools listed on that website and some of those could be seen as a little iffy, like there's one question for 7-12 graders to answer before the speech that reads: "How will the president inspire us?" But overall, the speech is about the importance of staying in school and doing your work because whatever you want to do in life, you need an education. An important theme is that you need to stay and school and get a good job because every person's life has an effect on the entire country - basically he says working lets you help the economy, working in jobs like science and medicine lets you help with health and innovation, teaching lets you help educate our country, etc. He says, if you give up on yourself with education, you give up on your country.

So what's partisan about that?

On the way to work this morning I heard a caller call in to our radio station to say, "I don't want my kid and his friends to listen to this guy talk about how they should stay in school and end up thinking he's a good guy. He lies to the American people, he represents good as evil and evil as good and I don't want my kid to have a good opinion of him because he gives this one speech."

I guess I've been spoiled. My parents are not very political or religious or even opinionated people, and their philosophy bringing up my sister and I was to let us figure things out for ourselves. Sure they gave us rules - clean your room, don't walk in the street, be nice to your friends and to your family, always say you're sorry if you're wrong, work hard in school and you can be whatever you want to be. They always told us the most important thing was to reach for our dreams and not let anything get in the way, and not hurt anyone else along the way. They never even had to say that outright, it was just sort of implied. They never told us what to believe. We went to Catholic church when we were young because it was part of our heritage and family tradition, but once Anya and I got old enough to decide, if we didn't want to go, we didn't have to. Our parents usually vote Democrat but they're registered unaffiliated, as are Anya and I. Our mom doesn't really like to talk politics but my dad and I have heated discussions all the time - sometimes I completely disagree with him and we argue, but we're both speaking intelligently because we read constantly about what's going on with politics and government so it's always a pretty pleasant conversation, even if we don't end up agreeing.

That's how I think it should be between kids and parents, I guess just because it worked for me. I would never tell my child not to believe something just because I don't believe it, unless it was something seriously universally evil, like murder or molestation or hard drugs.

I just don't get it, and it makes me sad. I just don't see how this is better than the supposed "anti-American" actions of war protesters or people who had "end of an error" bumper stickers until this January. I also don't get why conservatives keep trying to convince everyone that they are actually the majority. Barack Obama is the elected president of the United States and I think it's healthy for there to be dissent (after all, that's what our nation was founded on) but when it comes to keeping your kid from hearing a speech about staying in school just so you can ensure that you're the only one who can "indoctrinate" them, when it comes to teaching a kid that you're in charge of EVERY aspect of their life, including their thoughts and beliefs, I think it's shameful. I think it's more Orwellian than anything Obama has proposed. Not to mention the fact that Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush did similar speeches, but that's apparently beside the point.

The ability to think for ourselves is one of the very few freedoms that cannot be taken away from us. Isn't that what conservatives covet so much? The ability to believe what they want and live their lives without input from the government? I guess it's only important when it's beneficial to them? Obama isn't telling your kids what to think - he's asking them to stay in school - is that not what you want? Or do you only want your kid to be educated and get a job to help the country if that country is led by someone other than Obama? This country's children's futures should not become politicized. Most kids look to the president as a pillar of the government they're learning about in class - they don't necessarily look up to him or admire him, they see him as another principal or teacher - what if your kid's teacher is a Democrat? Are you going to make them switch classes?

I understand that kids are malleable and impressionable and we can't just expose them to everything, but not only keeping your child from making their own decision about whether to respect the president but teaching them to DISrespect him just because you do, it just seems wrong to me. All of this just seems really wrong.

Read Robin Lustig's Post on Japan

2009-09-04T06:20:00.001-07:00

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/worldtonight/

I'm no social psychologist, so I wouldn't dare to come up with an explanation for why Japanese couples aren't having enough babies. But one theory is that Japanese women are increasingly reluctant to marry, because they think Japanese men have shown themselves unable to adapt to the needs of a new, more flexible society - and have retreated into a fantasy world of comics, video games and animated pornography where they feel less threatened.

interesting stories of the day

2009-09-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

Ben & Jerry's Gay Ice Cream
http://www.thebigmoney.com/blogs/daily-bread/2009/09/01/ben-jerrys-gay-ice-cream?page=0,1

slow down

2009-09-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

I've had to change some things in the past week or so.
When people started going back to school I realized just how fast the summer went by. I started feeling the days and weeks slipping out from under me. Scary. So I've picked up a few new hobbies.
I went in to Michael's on Friday to try and find some filler sleeves for my scrapbook, since it took no time at all to fill it completely up with just England pictures (I was going to include all of my trips in Europe in one book.) I didn't ever find the sleeves, but I did find that wreaths were on sale, and so were little bouquets of fabric flowers...so I made two Autumn wreaths - one for me and one for my mom. I know how silly this sounds, but I seriously enjoyed making them. When I saw that they had glass ornaments for sale, shining and ready to be decorated, I realized that this year I will have my very own Christmas tree to stick into my very own corner and under which to stuff the presents I'm going to buy for my best friends and family. So naturally I have to make some ornaments!
I also got the crazy idea while I was at Michael's that I wanted to try making jewelry. Believe it or not, it's worked out kind of well so far. I've managed to produce two or three relatively attractive necklaces and a cute bracelet I wouldn't mind paying a few dollars for. Maybe I'll try selling them once I get a strategy and style down.
Also of course I've been reading. Still working on On The Road, but I'm almost done. I had to renew it. It's been yeeeeeeeeears since I renewed a book at a public library, or even had a card at one. It's nice.
Anyway, since I picked up a couple new hobbies, rather than the days feeling shorter like they did at school when I was super busy, I feel like I'm filling them up nicely and they're lasting like they're supposed to.
I can't lie I'm a little blue. I went to Elon this weekend to see Ashley and we had a great time, but I was a little bit sad driving back to Raleigh the next day. I miss school, like I say all the time, a lot. I miss the busyness of it, the appointments and meetings and deadlines.
But at the same time I'm in love with my apartment and my kitten and my stove and Reid being 10 minutes down the road and my full-time job where I learn every day and even have a little fun sometimes.
Picking up hobbies has helped me feel more...useful?

journalistic suicide?

2009-08-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to try pretending that everything is fine with journalism and do it anyway. I can't not write. I can't not report. It's part of me.

hey i'm gonna blog about something different today :)

2009-08-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not particularly pissed off or annoyed about anything today so I'm going to write about how much I love school. I always knew I liked being at school, I love reading & writing and even though I hate math and most science I like reading and writing about those things when they're newsworthy or particularly interesting. I like creating things like projects and Web sites and even power points, I like giving presentations and studying with flash cards....so am I the biggest geek in the world or am I just one of those perpetual students? I'll take the latter. I think I just always need to be learning and my brain always has to be stimulated.
Last week Reid and the NCSU crew went back, today Anya went back to UNCG and soon the Phoenix will return to its nest at Elon...OK that was a lame analogy, and I never thought I'd end up missing Elon, but I do. The further I get from the drama, the more I miss the place as an academic institution. I knew this would happen (refer to my posts around graduation.)
I don't really want to go back to Elon, I just have some nostalgia for it. I do want to go back to school, though. Two things must come before that - paying off student loans & choosing what to go back for/where. I signed up to take the LSAT but the more I think about it the less I want to go to law school. Maybe grad school for public administration, international relations or creative writing. Or eventually all three? Reid's brother/my surrogate brother Seth encourages me - he's 26 and still in school! Like I said, some of us are just meant to be students forever. If only it didn't cost so much...
But for now I'll find ways to learn every day through my job - I do get to read a lot and stay very up-to-date on news and events around the world and locally. And I get to read a lot for pleasure, too. Right now I'm finally reading On The Road by Jack Keroac. It's my first tackle on the looooooong list I made of books I have heard of but never read.
This summer has gone by incredibly quickly. Each week goes by too fast, by my standards. I think I need more things to fill my time so I don't feel like any day is wasted. I know I'm not wasting time while I'm at work, but once I get home and do my workout...I feel kind of worthless. In a few weeks I start volunteering at Helping Horse in Raleigh though, so that should help. And then I start training to be a docent at the history museum downtown. Reid always says I need hobbies - I'm finding some finally!

choice, competition, reducing costs.

2009-08-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Just watched CNN's coverage of President Obama on Michael Smerconish's conservative talk radio show. Here's what he said he wants to see in health care reform, and I really believe that these words coming from the president's mouth should chill people out and make them stop yelling about illegal immigrants and death squads...but I doubt it.

1. Deficit neutral. He said the prescription drug act never actually got paid for and contributed to a lot of our debt, so let's not do that again.

2. Reduce health care inflation. He wants credible experts to say that a plan will do this before he'll sign off on it.

3. No more caps on care, denying coverage due to preexisting conditions, denying care due to sickness, age or health. Insurance companies will be held accountable.

4. Options affordable for middle-class families. Key word there I think is "options."

Main things: choice, competition, reducing costs.

He said it, on the radio, on TV, for the zillionth time. Can we get it through our skulls now please so we can decide if we want it or not, now that we know what "it" is? Thanks.

Gardasil

2009-08-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

For a couple of years now my doctors have been telling me that I should get the HPV vaccine, Gardasil. I tried to ask them why, and they'd always tell me the same thing the "One Less" commercial says - it protects against several types of HPV that affect tons of people and the side effects aren't that bad. But I never felt like it was worth it. I know it's expensive and, knowing how I react to needles, even without bad side effects it would be unpleasant to get three shots. My new GYN told me she recommends Gardasil just because of the number of tissues she's had to give out to girls with uncomfortable and unsightly genital warts...I just kind of feel like I don't need this vaccine and this article encouraged me in a way.
They're marketing this vaccine to middle class teenage girls, but according to a new report shows that, regardless of the fact that Merck, who makes the drug, has given most of the advertising money, HPV is being marketed to the wrong girls.

"In the USA, about 11,000 women develop cervical cancer each year, and 4,070 die from it, according to the American Cancer Society. Many of those deaths are among poor white women in Appalachia, blacks in the South and Latinas along the Texas-Mexico border, Rothman says. Merck's marketing has "practically ignored" these women, she says.

Vaccinating women who already get annual exams does little to reduce the number of deaths, says Charlotte Haug, editor of the Journal of The Norwegian Medical Association, who wrote an accompanying editorial in JAMA."

I feel kind of vindicated.

you're calling PRO-REFORM people nazis???

2009-08-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's absolutely ridiculous that our prime listeners can't tell the difference between news and commentary. I don't really know why I expect more - we are right in the middle of Rush Limbaugh's three-hour monopoly of our station and people expect every second of those three hours, as well as the other 21 hours of the day, to be all right-wing commentary all the time. Well, sorry, but this is a news organization, not a partisan gabfest.
When I first got this job I was a little worried that the news done here would be just that - slanted right. But I was too quick to judge - this newsroom is full of trained and seasoned journalists who do their research and make sure they have good sources - and in radio we actually use the source's voice so I don't know how much more legit it can be.
But still, we get calls every single day - and it's getting worse and worse with this health care fight raging - from angry listeners who want to know, "WHY DIDN'T YOU REPORT THAT CONGRESSMAN PRICE ONLY TOOK QUESTIONS FOR 20 MINUTES AT HIS TOWN HALL YESTERDAY??" and who tell us, "YOU'RE TELLING US THE WRONG ADDRESS FOR THE TOWN HALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT US TO GO THERE," and "YOU ARE A WHITE HOUSE PROPAGANDA MACHINE!"
We get e-mails to the morning show that we're too liberal because we had a Mexican guy from a Latino organization talking about immigration and today we got one where someone even called one of our guests, "metrosexual." Earlier this week there was an e-mail saying we should talk about how Congressman Price must have decided to have his town hall meeting in Durham at NCCU because it's a predominantly black area so the white women who want to come wouldn't feel safe.
I'm just disgusted that there are people with their heads so far up their asses that they think this way. First of all - the name of the morning show is North Carolina's Morning NEWS and just because it's on a station that happens to carry a lot of conservative commentary does not mean that it shoul forego any semblance of journalistic integrity. The same goes for the half-hourly newscasts - they're reporting only what they know from talking with other reporters and from the AP. If it's not what you personally believe, or more likely what Rush Limbaugh believes and what you gobbled up and regurgitate at every chance - too fucking bad.
Just because Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly & Sean Hannity are on Fox News does NOT mean they are NEWS shows. They are news COMMENTARY. Those men are not meant to be taken as reporters - they're editorializers, they get paid to tell you their opinion. I'm not bashing them at all, they have Democratic counterparts on other stations and it's all legitimate TV entertainment that can contribute to the viewer's knowledge of the world, but people just need to take them for what they are. Anyone with enough charisma and enough money can be on the radio or on TV and this does not mean they have any credibility.
And as a journalist myself, I would suggest that everyone who watches the news or reads it or hears it should pay attention to every news source that they CAN - not just the ones they WANT to - and listen to commentators as well in order to have a well-rounded worldview. If you only get your news from CNN or from the New York Times or from FOX, you're not only doing yourself a disservice by only getting one portrayal of a story, but you're contributing to the growing mass of people who can't think for themselves.

When it comes to health care, citizens on both sides are losing their minds and their ability to think at all - so many people are just reading or hearing one phrase or snippet, "death panel," "socialism," "Obama wants to kill your grandmother," and regurgitating it over and over, to the point where even when they are standing just yards away from their Senators, they don't even LISTEN to the answers they get!
Here's the thing, guys. Right now, in this Democratic Republic we call America that the conservatives are so worried about "saving" but whose president some of them are calling a Nazi and disregarding every word he says, right now if you have a living will, you can advise that if you're dying and further medical treatment will do no good that you want the doctors to let you die. You can say only you can make this decision, you can say a certain family member can make this decision, you can put "do not resuscitate" in this document. If your insurance company covers it, right now in this country you can sit down with a consultant and talk about whether or not its worth it to you and your family to pay $10,000 to keep you alive for another few months. This isn't anything new. Obama wants to make sure that anyone who WANTS this can have it. If that's a "death panel," sign me up.
And someone in the newsroom just brought up a great point - remember Terry Schiavo? Wasn't it the Republicans saying we needed to have doctors in charge of things like physician-assisted suicide? This isn't "euthanasia," this isn't, "you're 75 so we're not paying for you anymore," which is actually what happens right now in this country because insurance companies can deny you care. This is YOU WILL HAVE ACCESS TO WHAT YOU NEED IF YOU WANT IT. PERIOD.
Of course this isn't the end of the story. Some of the ways Obama is planning on paying for this are a little sketchy, and who knows if his reimbursment plan to get more doctors into the industry will work, and mandated health insurance is a little nutty. The bill has problems. But, excuse me Mr. Limbaugh, Ms. Bitch-On-The-Phone, Ms. "I'm gonna call the station manager and complain that the newscasts are too liberal and get the reporter chewed out," but do you have a better idea?
Now all this shit is coming out about how there are actually more conservatives than liberals in the country and they just didn't vote at all because they didn't like McCain either so that's how Obama got elected, and nutjobs insisting that Obama was born in Kenya or that Hawaii isn't a state...no joke...and Rush Limbaugh, who, every time he opens his mouth, spews out more poisonous rhetoric that people just soak up like sponges.
Why am I so upset about this?
Propaganda.
The "liberal media" is being accused of spreading pro-administration propaganda, so what Rush et al are doing is "fighting back." They label themselves the harbingers of freedom. But the people who eat all of that up are the ones succumbing to propaganda. I can say for my news outlet that we work hard to ensure that we're accurate and objective. Learn the difference, people. This is dangerous.

Quick rant - more constructive post to come later

2009-08-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

Hey crazy conservative protesters - if you don't shut up you'll never get your questions answered. Also, while you're shutting up, why don't you try opening up your ears and maybe your mind, but I know that's hard for you. You might learn something.
Maybe you think we're insane for what we're doing, but I have an inkling that if you just got out of line behind Limbaugh and Palin and whoever else, you'd see that this is all political bull. You're wasting your time, energy and lung capacity.
I just have to say that if we're "too liberal" for you, at least we take the conservative ideas into consideration. But when you're screaming about "death panels" and painting swastikas on a Congressman's sign, you're the two-year-old throwing a tantrum, and when I threw a tantrum my mom just ignored me until I got over myself.
So get the hell over yourselves.

Here it is: my Rush rant.

2009-07-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

I just went out to grab some lunch and Rush Limbaugh was on the radio, as he always is at this time on WPTF. I feel like it's sometimes useful for me to hear what he has to say, so I listened.

He gets a caller who is a 12-year-old girl. She sounds nervous.

"Am I on?"
"Yes, you are."
"Oh, sorry! Hi Mr. Limbaugh, I asked my dad a question and he told me to call and ask you. "

That right there is enough. But of course, there's more.

"What I want to know," she continues, "is why President Obama is raising taxes in a time like this instead of cutting them. I have a really big family and they are all big fans of you and talk about you all the time so I wanted to talk to you about this."

I'm going to have to paraphrase his long-winded answer (I'd be surprised if the little girl kept listening the whole time) but I promise I won't make him sound any worse than he does himself.

"In the Constitution, it says we all have certain unalienable rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and that they're given to us by God. Obama has a problem with the 'liberty' and 'freedom' ideas. He wants to tell us how much health care we can have and how much we pay for it, he wants us to depend on him.
The less taxes your mom and dad pay, the more money they have for their 'pursuit of happiness' and to take care of you, bring you up and send you to school. The more taxes they pay, the less money they have for things like that, and Obama wants people like your mom and dad to have to depend on the government and not on themselves."

I was disgusted. I don't personally believe that Rush takes himself all that seriously. I don't think he can really believe half of the things he says, but it makes for what some people deem great entertainment. The effect, however, is that some of his listeners take his word as gospel. And the problem here is that, based on what she said about her family, this little girl probably won't get a chance to hear another view on this issue.

I'm not suggesting that her father put the phone in her hand, dialed the numbers for her and told her what to say (though that's certainly possible) because calling a talk show host to ask a question was something I would have done at 12. What worries me is that this little girl's parents have most likely assured her that this man is telling the truth. She said her family 'talks about him all the time.' Sounds like he's probably their source for a lot of the opinions they share and discuss.

It's not fair for this little girl to be brought up to believe that there is only one way to look at things and that this man, this pundit who is never held accountable for anything he says, speaks the gospel truth. Rushites balked at the following gained by Barack Obama, said we were heathens for "worshipping" him. What do they call what they do to the Almighty Rush?

I know it sounds like I'm whining because my beloved president is being lambasted on the radio. But to be perfectly honest, I haven't exactly been gung-ho Obama since his inauguration, when I started to feel that he may be too good to be true. Since then he has made some questionable decisions. I want to believe that I understand everything he's doing and believe it will work, but I don't always feel that way. This is what comes with politicians - we think we know what they're up to and then they surprise us. So yes, I have been critical of my president. I think he's gone overboard with some of the changes he's trying to make, but the bottom line is that he is my president, and deep down I believe he knows what he's doing and I will support him even when I don't agree with him.

Remember when we first went to Iraq, and the public of the United States objected and began lashing out at the president? Rushites, remember how you condemned us for 'turning our backs on our country,' being 'unpatriotic,' and even compared us to the terrorists themselves? Well what about you now? How is what you're doing any different? He is your president, too. Just as George Bush was my president. I respected that regardless of how bad of a job I thought he was doing. I respected that people I knew believed in him, that thousands of people in my country thought he was right, and that this must mean there was some quality to his decisions. Even though I didn't agree, I didn't try to brainwash other people into believing that my disagreement, my personal opinion was actually the right one.

Honestly, can anyone really claim that they are 100% in the right without giving any time to the other side? Can anyone say that they know Obama's stance on health care is wrong or the Iraq war was wrong, without exception, without any room for dissent, to the point that when someone does dissent they just must be crazy and dangerous? Because that's what I hear coming out of Rush's mouth - arrogant, omnipotent BS.

And just to show you that I'm not a bleeding heart liberal, I think Bill Maher is full of crap as well. I watched Religilous and thought it was funny, but did I really play in to his anti-religion propoganda? No. Because I recognized it for what it was and took it with a grain of salt. What sickens me is that so many people seem to be unable to think for themselves so they let Maher and Limbaugh tell them what to think. They don't even know where the salt-shaker is. It's like parents who think their kids are going to absorb everything they see on TV and become sex fiends and drug dealers. Except in this case it really happens.

I wouldn't be so confident that Rush has this effect on people if I didn't witness it firsthand. People call the newsroom all the time (and thankfully Blackman usually answers) to complain that our newscasts are too liberal. A minute ago (still during Rush's show) a man called to ask why we reported on Sarah Palin's approval rating slipping and not on Obama's. Blackman told the guy (who was on speakerphone because Blackman had been recording something on his computer) that he hadn't heard much about Obama's approval rating and couldn't report what he didn't know. The guy said that well, we must not get the publication in which it was reported at this 'White House propoganda machine.' Blackman agreed with the guy and tried to hang up on him, but the Rushite yelled,
"Why don't you report some bad stuff about Obama like you did about Bush!?"
"Sir," Blackman retorted, "we have three hours of Obama bashing every day as you well know because you're listening to Rush Limbaugh."

I guess part of the reason I'm so miffed by all of this is that I just don't understand hating someone or something so much that you will stop at nothing to bash it. It's one thing if you're trying to get the word out that this policy is damaging or that law will hurt people or this industry will lose jobs. But when your tactic is to just yell as loud as you can so that your opponent can't be heard, why should we take you seriously?

Do not fear the religion, fear the few wackos who give it a bad name.

2009-07-24T06:03:00.001-07:00

OK, yes, this guy Vinas is crazy, it's terrible that he conspired against his homeland, but it's paragraphs like this one from the NYT:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/24/nyregion/24terror.html?_r=1&hp
"Later the young man, who went by the nom de guerre of Bashir al-Ameriki, took a side trip to a Pakistani city in search of a wife. It was there, in Peshawar, that Pakistani agents captured this American convert to Islam last November."
...that give the vast majority of Muslims who are calm, peaceful, spiritual, perfectly sane people a bad bad name. It's comments like this over the past eight years that make us fear Islam.

Monday morning we're interviewing Dr. Millie Hinkle of Pittsboro who is getting national attention for wanting to raise camels and pasteurize camel milk for sale in the U.S. She's legit. She's even gotten a nod from the FDA. But there are bloggers everywhere saying she's doing this to 'infect the U.S. with Islam by bringing their cuisine to our shores.'

SERIOUSLY!?

Tweeting...or twittering...about SotoMYer...or SotomayOR...?

2009-07-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

Consistency is very important in journalism. We're taught to always spell things the same way, memorize rules about where commas and apostrophes should go and when, and I presume that broadcast journalists learn the same things - pause here, don't pause here, find one way to pronounce Sotomayor and stick with it. Pick one verb for posting on Twitter and use only it. I guess nobody wanted to take the reigns for these.
Is it the AP that's supposed to decide these things? Whoever it is, they need to step up. During the Sotomayor hearings last week, of which I heard every minute because the TV behind my desk was constantly tuned to CNN, I heard at least three different pronunciations of this Latina's name. The two hosts I work for at WPTF both pronounce it differently, as do the newscasters. Everyone in the news biz seems to have a different way of saying Sotomayor, and although this may not bother the average viewer/listener, it irks me! I was taught the right way to say and use a lot of words in school, but names are tough. We seem to have the same problem with Ahmadenijad.
I have to say that the AP is pretty sketchy about helping us pronounce things. Come on guys, we need your help! Why did you tell me how to pronounce one Iranian guy's name and not another? Why did you phonetically spell out a Korean name but not an African one that was just as intimidating? Are you unsure of how to pronounce it yourselves? What's the level of pronunciation difficulty that has to be reached before you help us out or is it just done willy-nilly?
Also, shouldn't someone (maybe the social network itself) decide what the terms used to refer to Twitter should be? Is the verb "twittering" or "tweeting?" Although I'm admittedly amused when I hear Wolf Blitzer or the local anchors give this their best shot, it would be nice to make it consistent. I know some of the things I learned in J school may not apply as much to the broadcasting world as they would to print, but surely consistency is a valuable tenet of all journalism?
Maybe it's fun for the pronunciation authority, whoever this power may be, to watch us squirm a little bit, confuse the listeners/viewers a little bit, just to see if anyone's paying attention. Well I am! And I want to know! Am I tweeting or twittering? Am I a twit or a tweeter or what? Don't those sound kind of offensive? And should I pronounce this judge's name SotomayOR, SotomaYEER, SotomaYAR, SotoMYer or what!?

stubbornness and fuzzy monkeys

2009-07-10T06:53:00.001-07:00

I've talked about how I don't do well with compliments, and now I'm ready to admit that I don't do well with criticism either. But that was obvious.
I had to get over my fear of this stupid roach. Reid was telling me I was being ridiculous and it was something I had to do and I just didn't want to believe him. I wanted to believe that I could pass it off as something I couldn't control. Well, thankfully I have people like Reid and my dad in my life who won't let me cop out like that anymore.
So I went on a hunt with my kitten heel and found the guy and killed him. He was a wood roach, he lived in a tree near my apartment and flew to the deck, then proceeded to squeeze in through a gap between the sliding and stationary panels of my sliding glass door. It wasn't his fault, he didn't want to be there, but I had to sacrifice him.
We figured out where he came from when later last night, after I made us dinner and we were watching Gilmore Girls on DVD (Reid is fascinated with the fast talking, I love the show for various other reasons) we saw three more, one after the other, crawling on the wall above that sliding glass door. I screamed a little, but didn't freak out as much as I had with the first one. We stuffed a paper towel in the gap and piled some decorative rocks on top of it and as far as I know, no more came in last night.
Of course, now there is the issue of electricity waste to deal with along with the roaches. I hope the complex will replace the door or at least fix the weatherstripping. They've been really good so far but this is a big request. I just don't think I should have to pay a high electricity bill because their door is old and broken.

***********
Moving on, a story about Lily.
When I first got her, Reid bought her a little stuffed monkey on a string.
It's the one on the left, obviously, but the flying squirrel is super cute too :)
At first she didn't want to play with it. She just wasn't interested.
Now, though, especially since Lily and I have moved out of the boys' house, she takes care of that monkey like it's her baby! I'm not sure if it's because she's unable to hunt so she's putting more energy into her mothering instincts but she carries it around like it's a little kitten, nibbles on it and licks it lovingly and if i try to pick it up, she gets very worried. I'll try to get a picture of this relationship in action ;)

Blattodephobia

2009-07-09T05:29:00.001-07:00

I have had the opportunity in the past year to face a lot of my fears. I spent 9 hours on an airplane over the ocean. I spent almost 4 months away from my family in a foreign country. I went 700 feet underground to explore a coal mine. I went to my first funeral. But now I've discovered a new fear - cockroaches. And this is that debilitating, can't breathe, might throw up, need someone to save me kind of fear.
Of course I've never liked bugs, but I haven't been that girl who needs her dad or boyfriend to kill every ant or spider for her. (Sometimes I'm just too lazy to do it myself, but if I had to I could!) But last night when I went to make sure the sliding glass door to my deck was locked and saw the reflection of a two-inch cockroach scuttling along the edge of the rug, I panicked.
If you know me, you know I battle anxiety, but usually I can control it pretty well. But last night, after an upsetting situation with a friend and a long and emotional discussion following that, I was not prepared to face this menace.
WHAT, pray tell, is the point of cockroaches? In scanning a Wikipedia article, it seems like the only thing they're good for is running fast and their legs were apparently the inspiration for similar appendages of the robotic persuasion. They emit PHEROMONES to lure more cockroaches to where they are and INFEST. Also, "group-based decision-making is responsible for complex behavior such as resource allocation" - great. They are basically just made to live forever, which is the classic adage: after the apocalypse there will only be roaches and Twinkies. But don't worry, Wikipedia says cockroaches are only 5 times stronger than humans. Aside from being perfect subjects for various scientific experiments used to learn how more acceptable creatures live, they're just useless and disgusting. And scary.
And guess what their only natural predators are? WASPS. I AM DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO THOSE. Wasps and centipedes. Oh, OK, so I just have to go get a long, skinny, hundred-legged insect to get rid of my roaches, no problem. Makes me feel all better. *gag*
And this is the best part:

"Some species are capable of remaining active for a month without food and are able to survive on limited resources like the glue from the back of postage stamps.Some can go without air for 45 minutes or slow down their heart rate. In one experiment, cockroaches were able to recover from being submerged underwater for half an hour.

Cockroaches do indeed have a much higher radiation resistance than vertebrates, with the lethal dose perhaps 6 to 15 times that for humans.

The cockroach's ability to withstand radiation better than human beings can be explained through the cell cycle. Cells are most vulnerable to the effects of radiation when they are dividing. A cockroach's cells divide only once each time it molts, which is weekly at most in a juvenile roach. Since not all cockroaches would be molting at the same time, many would be unaffected by an acute burst of radiation, but lingering radioactive fallout would still be harmful."

OK so that's kind of interesting, but it doesn't explain why I am so dreadfully terrified of this thing. I literally SCREAMED when I saw it. Am I a helpless little girl after all? I called Reid right away and after he told me I was being ridiculous twelve times I finally convinced him to come over and...look for the roach in vain. I did try to keep an eye on it for a while but it was just so disgusting. I tried to explain to him that I know the roach can't hurt me, but it's not only its creepiness but the principle of the thing: I have roaches. Where there is one, there are many. And they are gross, and creepy, and scary and I don't know why!

Supposedly my apartment complex sprayed for bugs before I moved in, and they're doing it again today, but why will it be effective now if it wasn't before? Should I call my own exterminator? Or should I just wait for another evil invertebrate to surprise me by crawling across the carpet or up the wall or out from under the washing machine where the one from last night is hiding?

.........

my new place - pics to come

2009-07-02T09:55:00.001-07:00

Last night I spent my first night in my new apartment in Raleigh. Of course it started thundering right before Reid was about to leave, so he ended up staying and doing his homework in the living room while I went to sleep. I won't have cable or Internet until July 12, so it's a little lonely there. Living with the boys has been so much fun, and I've really been spoiled seeing Reid all the time. This is certainly for the best, though. Sometimes I just need to be on my own schedule. Also there's a gym at my new place, and I desperately need to start making daily visits. And there's a pool. And a kitchen that is not full of dirty dishes even though the dishwasher is right next to it. Ahem. It's good to have my own place :) Lily likes it too. Yesterday we couldn't find her and she was asleep on the sheets I put on a shelf in my closet. Then she was behind the long blinds on the sliding glass door. Then she fell asleep on the windowsill in the living room. She adjusts very well.
This is the contents of my apartment, furniture and other various things, which I think paint a good picture of where I am in my life right now:
Twin bed - excruciatingly small after sleeping in Reid's queen
Dresser & desk I got last summer from dad's friends, painted the drawers on the desk teal
Teal rug - my apartment is carpeted, which is awesome, but I threw it on the floor anyway to liven the place up
Round wrought-iron table and four chairs from my parents' house
Two bar stools that have no bar to call home now but look cute by the window
Very cheap coffee pot & toaster
Microwave that Reid got at his high school graduation and I've been using for two years ;)
Two tiny pans, one 10" pan I bought yesterday so we could make dinner and one very small pot - maybe holds a quart?
Various utensils and dishware from dad's friends and Old Time Pottery in High Point - awesome place, but not for pottery
Dove salt & pepper shakers, flower decals, birds on a wire decals, $6 clock radio and short metal lamp with fuchsia filigree shade from Target
Framed pictures and other wall-hangings lying on the floor at the moment
Random wood side table from god knows where
Cat stuff - the litter box lives in the living room next to my desk, which is too big to fit in my bedroom. I dunno if it's gross to have the litter box outside the bathroom but it wouldn't fit in there.
A washer and dryer that came brand new in the apartment - SCORE
Set of four TV trays, fold-up chair and electric broom from my parents' house
And that's the extent of it.
I'm getting a couch from my parents' house soon, hopeful about a coffee table & an upgrade to a full, double or queen bed.
When you walk in my apartment it looks like it's only one room. To your right is about 5 feet of carpet before a wall, where my table is. Ahead is the sliding door to the deck, and you have to walk a bit to the right to see the corridor that is my kitchen. If you come inside and close the door, you can go to the left and get to my bedroom, bathroom and walk-in closet, which you can't really walk into unless you squeeze in and close the door behind you.
And I absolutely love it all :D

"explicit" sex ed gets a thumbs up

2009-06-26T07:14:00.001-07:00

So I know Michael Jackson is the big news right now, but since I didn't grow up listening to him and was only introduced to his music through Free Willy, it doesn't affect me too much except that I know he had a huge impact on the music world and will be missed by many. And the fact that I've been helping to get some guests on the air on WPTF to talk about him.
Instead, right now I want to talk about sex education.
The N.C. House narrowly passed a bill yesterday that will mandate that schools offer more information than just, "wait until marriage," beginning next year. Parents will have the option to remove their students from the classes that share information about safe sex and STDs.
When I first read about this I thought, aren't schools already doing this? I definitely remember sitting in a trailer outside Southwest Middle School in 6th grade wincing every time the "family life" teacher said "penis" - she seemed to enunciate and project that word clearer and louder than any other. The girls giggled and blushed and the boys just blushed or sneered. She described to us the various types of contraception and stopped just short of showing us how to put a condom on a banana. She also described in great, horrifying detail what could happen to us if we got one of the hellish diseases that came with having sex. We even had to memorize the anatomically correct names for every part of both the male and female genitalia. She did not, however, at any point actually explain what sex was, and whether I was just slow on the uptake or what, it wasn't until about a year later that I really got the picture. I just knew I shouldn't do it, but if I was going to do it, I should be careful. I really had no desire to sneak into the stairwell with a boy like some of the other girls were doing. I don't think I was really ready to think about sex at that point, but I understood that when I was, I would be armed with the knowledge and safety tips necessary.
I will say that I wish the boys and girls had been separated for this sex education, like we were in 5th grade when they told the girls about menstruation and the boys about...whatever they told them about.
I vaguely remember my parents signing a permission slip of some sort so that I could get this information, and I was lucky enough (though I didn't think so at the time) to have parents willing to talk to me about sex if I asked.
My point is - I have never been taught "abstinence only." The "family life" teacher always made sure to remind us that abstinence was the only way to be 100% safe from STDs, HIV, pregnancy and certain emotional distress, but that was not the only option presented. So, I always assumed that was the way it was done in North Carolina schools. But then I found this, as reported by the News & Observer:
"Since 1995, the state has mandated that schools provide courses that stressed delaying sex until marriage. To offer more comprehensive sex education under existing law, school districts have to go through a lengthy process that includes public scrutiny of instructional materials. As a result, only about 10 districts offer comprehensive courses."
All I have to say is way to go Guilford County Schools. Maybe they realized they were having a real problem with girls and boys running off and "doing it" and abstinence-only education wasn't cutting it. I don't know the reason behind it, but I will say that telling kids that their only option is to just not have sex until they get married is not going to get through to all, or even most of them. When you tell a kid they can't do something, most of the time it makes them want to do it even more, and even if they know there are consequences, some are still going to do it and if they're going to do it regardless of what you say...do you want them to be ignorant of how to be safe? Too many people think that giving kids the tools for safe sex just encourages them to have sex. In some cases, this is probably true, but the alternative - kids not knowing the dangers and tools available to them to prevent sickness and pregnancy - is going to cause more problems in the long run.
So, I like this new bill, and I like that my school was ahead of the game, and when I have kids I hope I will be able to give them the same support my school and parents gave me when it comes to learning about sex.

I'll Keep My Blood For Now

2009-06-22T11:15:00.001-07:00

It really upsets me that there may be some things I will never be able to do because of my anxiety/panic disorder. I take something to keep it at bay every day, and I would probably be fine without the medication most of the time, but sometimes it just doesn't help.
Like today, when I tried to give blood for the first time.
A mobile blood unit came to Curtis Media from Rex Hospital today and I signed up to give. The only thing I was worried about was the fact that I'd been near fainting once or twice before with shots, but it never even crossed my mind that my anxiety might get in the way. I've been pretty calm lately - even considering the new job and other changes going on in my life, I've been pretty much in control.
I'm doing a lot of building up to what happened in that blood mobile but honestly, all I did was turn pale while the flobotamist was looking for a vein - he didn't even have a needle in his hand - and he said it was going to be "interesting" to see what happened. That is not the kind of thing I like to hear described as "interesting," so I said, "tell me right now if you think I should call it quits," and he said he thought it might be a good idea.
The other flobotamist in there said something about how I wouldn't pass out from lack of blood, but if I got myself worked up there was nothing they could do to stop that. Then it hit me - DUH. Of course this would be hard.
It's not that I'm terribly upset that I can't drain a pint of my blood, but I wanted to give it to someone who needed it. They say you can save 3 lives - does this mean I let 3 people die? Also, does this mean that I'll never be able to give blood?
It's weird, because I've had that anticipation-of-pain fear before, I mean I have a tattoo and an industrial bar in my ear, but maybe it's different for this type of thing?
Or maybe if I'd just stuck it out I could have done it... =/
I don't know, but it makes me really want to go volunteer at a soup kitchen or something so I can help someone in place of those I didn't help today. And it also makes me want to overcome my anxiety, which is not as easy as it may seem.

Haikus about my new kitten

2009-06-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

I like to climb things

I don't know how cute I am

I will not be no snob

Eyes turn green to blue

I have stripes, spots and squiggles

My whiskers tickle

I chase my black tail

My girl thinks it's ironic

People do that too

Enjoy the small stuff

Love, food, shadows, sounds and lights

Play and sleep, that's it

Just what we needed

Makes us feel like family

Lily has our hearts

Congratulations

2009-06-12T12:20:00.001-07:00

I've never been very good at accepting praise. Even, "Happy Birthday!" makes me uncomfortable sometimes. Now that I'm getting congratulations tossed at me everywhere I go, I can't help but think, what have I achieved? Nothing, yet. So save it for a few months from now at least!
I know it's great that I got a job, especially right out of college and especially especially in this economy, and I do appreciate that people are proud of me. I'm even proud of myself for once. But not too proud. I've always lived my life not getting my hopes up, not because I've been disappointed an inordinate number of times or because I'm inherently pessimistic (though some might say I am...) but because I don't want to revel in undeserved pride.
Sure, I got this job, I'm in. They were impressed with my resume and apparent skills, but I haven't actually done anything yet. So, I guess a "good luck" or "welcome to the team!," both of which I've received, though not as often as "congratulations," seems more appropriate. I just don't want to get ahead of myself.
I will say though, that I've gotten more praise for my abilities in the past few weeks in applying for this job than I think I've ever gotten. I've been called "savvy," had my resume shown as an example, been called an excellent writer and reporter and a bright thinker, and I rose from a pool of over 60 candidates. This, to me, is sort of unfathomable at this point. Several times in the past few weeks I've found myself raising my eyebrows at something a man in a button-down shirt and tie is telling me. It's not that I don't believe it, I just never thought I'd hear it spelled out so clearly: I'm good. I'm a representative of the profession. Not only did I learn a hell of a lot in school, but I've shown that I can deliver, and well. These, of course, are words of praise that I've been working toward for years. The things my new employers are saying about me and to me are things I've aspired to be and to do. It just seems too good to be true, but at the same time it doesn't, because I know my work isn't done. I got the job, now the work really begins.
At first I thought they might have made some mistake. Surely I, with my low-to-moderate professional self esteem, was not qualified or capable of doing such an important job, and I've been reminded over and over just how important this job really is. But when they started to tell me that they had no worries, didn't think for a minute I'd be in over my head, really believed I could not only do this job, but excel at it...I was floored. And I'm still pulling myself up, but it isn't hard when so many people are rooting for me.
I've gotten e-mails from professors I haven't seen since freshman year congratulating me and telling me they knew I could do it. I will say, a little bit of this encouragement would have helped while I was going through school ;) but the tough love really worked. And then, of course, there are the big softies like Dr. Copeland, Dr. Scott and Dr. Hatcher who, while always honest, were incredibly supportive the whole time, especially when I compared myself to other students who were just "better" than I was.
Now it's truly not about comparison or competition, except for that of our station with others. It's about really knowing the news and the issues and how our listeners feel about these things. It's about working well with others, accepting and generating tons of ideas and always being open for change and adjustment. It's about really coming through not just for myself or my teacher or a school publication, but for a top-notch talk radio station that depends on ratings. I've got a reputation to help uphold and to improve and a demographic to serve. And I'm ready for it, not least because of the surprising compliments from my new employers.
So, if you want to congratulate me for all this, that's cool, but I won't really feel like I deserve it until I get good feedback for something I've done for this station. But, of course, never being truly satisfied with how well I'm doing is what keeps me working so hard.

I got a job!

2009-06-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

After three interviews, one of them being with the president of the company, two trial workdays and a ton of waiting, Rick Martinez of WPTF News Talk 680 in Raleigh, N.C. finally called me yesterday and asked, "Do you want the job?" Well, I said yes!
At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted this job or not, just because it's not what I ever planned on doing. But, of course, I try to be more open-minded than that, and it turns out that this job might be a lot of fun. The two days that I was there I felt like my opinions and ideas were respected just as if I'd been in the industry for years. Now that I've been offered the job, I suddenly have a whole lot of stuff to do.
I'm adopting a kitten from a friend at Starbucks, so I bought some kitty supplies that could go male or female since I'm not sure what gender it will be yet - it's still a baby! But it'll be ready to come home with me so soon :D I've always wanted a cat, but my mom and sister are too allergic. Now that I'm moving out though...!!
My mom and I are looking at some condos this week. The plan is to buy a one or two-bedroom condo for which I'll pay my parents rent and then in a few years we can sell. Until that happens, though, I'll be staying at Reid, Evan, Murs and Davis's apartment, and so will kitten. June 15 is my first day, so I think next Wednesday I'll go get the kitten from Winston, get him/her checked out at the vet and then set myself up in Raleigh! I'm excited, but I'm honestly a bit nervous too. This is it, all of this waiting and all of a sudden I'm moving out and moving on...

I think it's time for me to talk about Perez Hilton

2009-05-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

This may come as a surprise to some, but I actually disagree wholeheartedly with Perez Hilton's war against Miss California. I decided to finally write about it because I can't believe it's still a trending topic on Twitter and has become such a lasting ember for lots of bigger discussions about gay marriage. Not to say that the latter isn't a good thing. It's just that from the moment I saw the video of Hilton asking Miss C. his question, I was outraged.
How in the world is that an appropriate question to ask? Aren't pageants like that supposed to be "scholarship" contests? What does her opinion on gay marriage have to do with anything? If anything, I'd say the question would only be appropriate in determining how she can diplomatically answer tough questions. I think she did pretty well, considering the circumstances. Here's a flamboyant homosexual, gay rights activist blogger asking her an incredibly self-serving question that he knows she can't answer without offending someone. Not everyone is as comfortable being put on the spot as Perez, and I wish he would have understood that. Instead, he attacked her for saying something that sounded pretty moderate to me - basically she's glad people have the right to choose, but in her view, marriage is man + woman. And as so many have recently brought up, this is Obama's view on gay marriage as well. This doesn't mean Obama and Miss California are against gay marriage, it just means they have a different personal opinion of it that may or may not affect their support of others doing it.
I think people like Perez Hilton get so caught up in their cause sometimes that they really become just as closed-minded as those they are fighting. As I'm learning myself, you can't win an argument if you don't at least listen to the opposition.

...now what?

2009-05-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I graduated. Overall, I'd say it was pretty anticlimactic, but I think that's because I was so overwhelmed that it was all I could do to shake Leo's hand and grab my diploma. My grandparents came into town for a couple days to see the ceremony. It was a nice ceremony. I won't lie, I felt sort of out of place listening to the speakers say "4 years ago" over and over. And when the senior class president spoke I didn't even know who she was, but her speech was so moving it didn't matter. Chaplain McBride was a great speaker too - so we didn't get Oprah or Biden but McBride knew his audience, like he said. He had us sing the ABC's and that's the only point where I almost cried. We were all singing the ABC's together - over 1,000 20-somethings about to receive their degrees - and I just sort of saw the last 17 years of school flash before me and I felt really accomplished and a little nostalgic. My time walking across the stage went by in an instant, but I felt myself feeling proud of each and every one of us whose name was called in those two hours.
I'm happy to say that during commencement, I didn't feel that pang of bitterness I'd been feeling for the past few months. I felt a fondness for Elon I hadn't felt in a long time. I allowed myself to love the place that helped me grow so much, and today I planted my oak sapling in a big pot thinking about how far I'd come.
Today felt really strange. I got up, said goodbye to my grandparents and went off to work at Starbucks. It didn't feel like much had changed. It was like when i turned 13 and expected some sort of new teenage life to rock my world when I woke up that morning, though I knew then and know now how silly that is. I don't know how it's supposed to feel to be a graduate, just like I didn't know how 13 was supposed to feel, so I'm just waiting to notice a difference.
I started to realize today the weight of the fact that I don't really know how to not be in school. It first struck me as, "Now what do I have to look forward to?" But then I started to think about all the things I can do now, like read for pleasure and take up more hobbies. Of course I'm still working on the whole job thing, but today I started to realize just how much of a lifestyle school is, and how much adjusting I'll have to do. I'm not sure if I prepared myself for this, but here I am. And I have an incredibly supportive family and small group of friends who make it a little easier. Most importantly though, I feel like I really earned this and I'm proud of myself. I know that I can take the challenges that come next because I need them. I need to have something to work toward, to study for, to struggle with and at which to do my best. Now I get to decide what these things are, for the most part, and that seriously excites me.
Leo (can I call him that now??) talked at graduation about how our education isn't finished, and that basically defines my life. To me, life = constant learning, so I guess as long as I'm doing that I'm happy. I just never realized how goal oriented I was. Like I just told Olivia, I've been working toward the goal I accomplished yesterday for 17 years...now what's my goal? I guess they'll have to be more short-term for now. Goal #1: get a job!

Is Starbucks the new McDonald's?

2009-05-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

This post isn't in reference to the new ad campaign set forth by the 'Bux to combat McCafe, though that's interesting in itself. I'm talking about the idea not five years ago that if you couldn't get a job after college you'd be working at McDonald's. Now it's Starbucks that's seen as the lowly minimum-wage job. Why?
I work at Starbucks, so that obviously skews my thoughts, but this is bugging me.
A couple of months ago I was a little offended by a classmate saying that he'd be devastated if he had to work at Starbucks after college. The coffee shop wasn't under discussion, he just offered it as a last-ditch job he'd hate to be stuck with. Since then I've heard similar comments, and tonight when my dad was watching Bill Maher on DVR playback, I heard it again, more condescending than ever. Maher was making a mock commencement speech. I have nothing against him, but I just found it really interesting that instead of saying, "You'll all be working at McDonald's after this!" he chose to say Starbucks. What is it about those two companies that makes them the butt of jokes like this, and what is it about Starbucks in particular that has made it seem even lower than Mickey D's?
After working at a grocery store for three years in high school and seeing how many middle-aged people do make their careers at places like that, I know not to judge things like that. Also, my high school boyfriend worked at McDonald's and he was a smart kid, so naturally I defended it. I always assumed McDonald's got its reputation from selling fattening foods to glutinous Americans, being generally greasy and not paying its employees much. Also, it's just everywhere, it's practically a pillar of American society (and many other societies now). So maybe working there was looked down upon because it was just too easy, too commonplace. There are a lot of other places that have all the same qualities as McDonald's, and the phrase, "you'll be flipping burgers," was coined to encompass any menial job someone might take when they couldn't get a 'real' career.
So, I'm just curious about why Starbucks has fallen into this category. The more I write and think about it the more sense it makes, but I'm still a little stuck. Starbucks is really open about what it tries to do nutritionally, environmentally and socially. Employees who work at least 20 hours per week (part-timers are included!) are eligible for health insurance, and everyone who becomes a 'partner' gets stocks and a 401(k).
A quick Google search didn't yield much in the way of hourly employee benefits for McDonald's. So, does this mean we've come to expect the nutritional, environmental & social initiatives from our companies so much so that Starbucks is at the very bottom of the employer totem pole? Are people just sick of picking on burger-flippers? Do people see the value of what comes out of Starbucks and McDonald's equal and equally crappy? Or are so many people now working at Starbucks that it's become another symbol of American minimum-wage jobs? I hope to read about this from people who know more. Maybe I'll get the chance to look into it further. Just thought I'd throw it out there. Any thoughts??

Seven Days

2009-05-16T10:37:00.001-07:00

I just finished writing my last college paper.
In the past few weeks I have been pretty nonchalantly finishing up work, packing my things, reading, working at Starbucks and waiting for job prospects to get back to me. I would say it's been just like any other year-end, but it may have been even more relaxed since I only had three classes.
I moved out of my apartment about a week and a half ago after deciding I was finished worrying about the drama between me and my roommates and that my time would be better spent at home. I'm in the process of sorting through all of my junk - I have a huge Goodwill pile! I got a call from the radio station I interviewed with and they said they'll let me know if I got the job by the beginning of next week, so I'm still kind of in limbo. It's ok though. If I get the job, I'll move in with Reid and the boys for a bit until I find my own place. Until then some of my stuff is in storage, and the rest is scattered around my parents' house (sorry guys.) If I don't get the job, there's one near Hickory I'm applying for, and I can always transfer to a Starbucks here at home and save up money for a while.
I'm not worried, and I'm not too stressed, and I'm not really sad at all yet either. I keep on saying I'm so ready to get away from Elon, so happy that I'm leaving, so done with it all. But I have a feeling that when I'm under the oaks a week from today I'll be crying.
Last week I went to the induction ceremony for Lambda Pi Eta communications honors society. Dr. Hatcher was the keynote, and he talked about how he hopes we'll use our training to 'fix' journalism. He reminded me why I went to Elon in the first place, and just how much I'd really gotten out of it. My heinous roommate stories and inability to really 'fit in' and make a lot of friends, the competition and stress in the Comm department and at the Pendulum, the 'typical' Elon people who made me bitter - none of that really matters.
I want to remember Elon as the place I learned the true value of journalism, the place that pushed me out of my comfort zone and honed my skills. The place where I was when I fell in love, stretched my boundaries, debated important issues, completed works I'm proud of and realized that in the end, I didn't have to know exactly what I wanted to do when I left, didn't have to be perfect at anything, didn't have to impress everyone or like everyone or be nice to everyone. I want to remember it as the place that helped me get to Brighton, Dublin, the Kyle of Lochalsh, Amsterdam, Bruges and Paris. Where I trained for my two triathlons, where I learned how to be comfortable by myself, where I realized my worth. Maybe the actual place of Elon didn't make all of this happen, but everything I did in the last three years was somehow connected to where I went to school at the time. So instead of remembering Elon by what annoyed and hurt and frustrated me about it and what happened to me while I was there, I know I'll remember it by what it helped me produce and helped me become. Now that I've realized just what my Elon education meant to me, maybe next Saturday will be bittersweet after all, and not because I'm the only one not crying, but because I'm crying along with everyone else.

OK

2009-04-21T12:23:00.001-07:00

This makes me feel better.

semi-constructive criticism

2009-04-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

OK, I have to comment on a few news items today that ruffled my feathers.
First, the C.I.A. waterboarding craziness. Obama decided to release these papers that said the C.I.A. basically lied about how much they tortured two alleged terrorists. They underreported. By a LOT. Not to mention that waterboarding = torture (there really is no question about that and I don't understand why the government is so shy about just saying it outright) and we as a nation condemn torture because of um, well, human rights maybe? (Hey China & Iran, don't worry, we f*ck up sometimes too.) But also, we did it so illegally it was ridiculous. All because of the fear instilled in the government by 9/11 we relocated prisoners to countries where it was basically OK to torture them. There's a name for this - extraordinary rendition - and yes, it is illegal. And inhumane. And lots of other things that we aren't supposed to condone over here in the good ol' US of A.
And now to my point: after releasing these papers yesterday, today Obama went to the C.I.A. headquarters and lauded the organization for all of their wonderful work and told them not to be "discouraged" by the outcome and that they won't be punished for following "legal advice" and that they may be forced to admit some "mistakes."
I voted for Obama, and I support him fully, but today I was disappointed.
Here's an explanation from the article:
"The decision to promise no prosecution of those who followed the legal advice of the Bush administration lawyers was easier, aides said, because it would be hard to charge someone for doing something the administration had determined was legal. The lawyers, however, are another story."
I'm sorry, but this kind of infuriates me. If that's possible. To be kind of infuriated. I just don't want to be outright irate because obviously being the president is hard, but come on. I don't care what is "easier," how about what is right? Torture is torture, and it's just all so unbelievable to me. How could it ever be necessary to simulate drowning 266 times? I understand we assumed these people were fundamentalists who would rather die than tell the truth...but then when they finally spoke up...why did we believe them?

OK if you're still reading, here is rant #2:
The United Nations Racism Conference. Yeah, what Ahmadinejad said and did was stupid, I mean when people were walking out and others were clapping for them, he thought they were clapping for him. And he denied the Holocaust. Need I say more about him? But what really got me was what came out of the conference, in which the U.S. did not participate, which is another story. Ahmadinejad wanted a law against being mean to Muslims for being Muslim basically, and he kind of got what he wanted, from what I understand. It seems like the draft document from this conference says you can't defame anyone based on their religion. I mean I don't like to be mean to people, and I probably wouldn't, but what if I wanted to write an op-ed about how I think Bush was a horrible president because he was Christian? Would this keep me from doing that? I dunno, just freaked me out a little when I heard it on NPR.

I think that's all I wanted to complain about. Any comments?

not too long now

2009-04-19T10:51:00.001-07:00

Really? A whole month since I've posted? Time has just been flying.
About a month left until graduation, and maybe I'm in denial, but I'm not exactly afraid. I'm taking all of the facts of the situation: bad job market, no $ for grad school, lots of loans to pay back, maybe not getting an internship for the summer, moving back with parents, unsure of whether the Starbucks at home has hours for me, being 21 and in the 'real world,' and just going with them. I swear a semester in England was the best medicine for my anxiety.
Speaking of England, I got in to the Digital Media Master's program at Sussex for next year, but I'm not going. WHAT!? YOU'RE CRAZY! IT'S THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME!! Yeah, I know. But I had that chance already last year, and one of the reasons I don't want to go back is because I want to keep my memories of Brighton clear in my heart and not have the possibility of tainting them. But that, of course, is not a good enough reason not to go.
I decided while I was there that I wouldn't go to grad school. Then when I realized I could have the chance to go back there for a year, I changed my mind in a second and applied, not really thinking I'd get in. Then when I did, and I didn't want to accept it right away...I kind of knew it wasn't meant to be. I do miss Brighton, and I feel like I left a piece of myself there, but that piece of me is still in constant contact, and it's what is keeping me sane these last few weeks of school. And, I really believe I can go back there someday if I truly want to.
And speaking of school, I'm writing one of the last academic papers I'll maybe ever write, and it makes me kind of sad! But then again, being a reporter is not a far cry from being at school. Let's hope I can call myself a reporter sometime in the next year!

OH and check this out: http://student.elon.edu/kugolik/site.swf
I know it's a weird URL and it turns out that the whole thing is organized really strangely but I just did it the way I knew how. Ken Calhoun was amazing enough to spend an hour and a half getting my PDF links to work so HOORAY! My site is usable now! I just have to get some video and audio segments up there and it'll be all done! :D

web 2.whoa!

2009-03-18T08:51:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been reading about and personally experiencing the true effect of online communication.
Take this blog for example. Apparently whenever I write about WFDD they get a Google Alert about it. Of course this makes perfect sense, and of course I'm not writing anything I wouldn't want them, or anyone else for that matter, to read, but it never really crossed my mind. At least not until I got an e-mail from the station concerning my previous blog post. At first I was a little bit embarrassed, but after further thought, I decided this is really a good thing.
The 'blogosphere" is a really good way for the people that serve a specific community to know what their listeners/readers/viewers want. Maybe one of the reasons for this is that people are so comfortable with the Internet now that they have few inhibitions when blogging, but regardless of the reason, blogs can be good research tools and keep news outlets connected with their community.
It can get dangerous though, when people forget they're being watched. We all do it - we obsessively check Facebook and see everyone's updates, people on Twitter tell the world what they're doing and we send e-mails all the time. This is becoming something of a staple of our generation's every day life. Get up, brush teeth, check Facebook, eat breakfast, send e-mails, leave apartment with iPhone, check Facebook and send e-mails and maybe even update Twitter on iPhone throughout day. It's become almost like breathing for some people, and when was the last time you really monitored how you breathe?
I'm just saying, it's something to think about.
I'm glad my voice is being heard, and I think we should all take our blogging, Facebooking and Tweeting seriously...at least some of the time!
Also, just a thought, maybe Facebook made its recent change to bigger font for the sake of the older crowd that's been joining lately, including these guys.

rejection #1

2009-03-17T18:32:00.001-07:00

Today I applied for my first real job, and was rejected. By an online application program.

I was checking on WFDD.org to see if I had everything I needed to send off my internship application. I decided to just go ahead and click on the 'employment' button to see if they happened to miraculously have any openings in their 12 person staff. They did - they were looking for a host/producer. It took me to the Wake Forest employment page, and I read the job description and requirements. It sounded perfect, and all I needed was a bachelor's degree in communications and a year of experience or equivalent school/work experience. I assumed this second part, about not actually having to have a year of real work experience to qualify, meant I qualified. I had tunnel vision for the next two hours. All I focused on was this application. What's this person's phone number? What's the address of that paper where I interned? How can I send clips from my show? I drove over to Moseley and even risked getting my car towed to get my show archives off the computer in the WSOE studio. And then when the application asked me how many years of experience I had, I said less than one, because I thought I'd have a chance to explain. Wrong. When I finally finished my cover letter, uploaded my new resume and hit apply...Denied. The program told me that I wasn't qualified, so they wouldn't be passing on my application, but it would stay in the system for 12 months in case I wanted to try again. And it said not to be discouraged.

So I tried again. I went back and tried to change my answer to that question, but it said I'd have to call HR to do this. At this point I decided that I should count my blessings and hope for the internship.

But I'll admit, when I got in the car later, I couldn't bring myself to listen to WFDD for a little while.

my second news radio experience

2009-02-18T15:50:00.000-08:00

Exponentially better.
Sitting across the desk from Morgan while he was answering my questions about the economy and how it will affect students, I felt so IN place. This was a new and invigorating feeling for me. Actually I'm still enjoying the aftereffects.
I didn't have any interviews to switch to RCS so I was considerably less stressed going into the show than I was last week. I met Morgan Little, opinions editor of the Pendulum, at the station and after I made sure he knew what I was going to ask him, we got to work. He manned the controls but I think after watching the process a second time I may be able to multitask next time!
I think my script was more concise this time and it went really smoothly and didn't fly by like a heart attack. But then when I started interviewing Morgan, just sitting back and letting him answer my questions, and his answers brought up other issues and I asked more questions, that simple interaction sparked the fire that was smoldering. This is what I want to do. I was questioning it - last week was rough! - but feeling like I was bringing pertinent information to my listeners, and showcasing an informed opinion about this information, and bringing up new questions for listeners to think about, left me intellectually stimulated and seriously motivated. Basically, it felt so good, and however cliche it may sound, I feel like a weight has been lifted.
I know I'm not a pro, and the engineering of my show could be better, and I could have more content, and it could certainly be longer, but what is there to learn if I do everything right? I think I'm making progress, both practically and internally, and this makes me happier than I can articulate right now. :D

my first news radio e xperience

2009-02-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday I was confident. I got up early that morning, did some homework, went to class. I knew that at 6pm I'd be broadcasting my voice to the world, but I felt prepared. True, I didn't yet have my interviews up on RCS and I'd never used the controls at WSOE before, but I was sure I'd figure it out.
During my last class of the day I started to get butterflies. I was nervous, but I was excited. I kept with the vibe I've had about a lot of things lately - it will work out. I did the best I could, I spent hours in the editing suite working on my interviews, and even though I had so far failed to assemble a news team to help me, I knew what I was doing. I'd had four or five years of experience with journalism, if I counted high school, and really, how was this any different? I'd written myself a script, asked some interviewees some tough questions, recorded them and cut them together to sound as nice as I could, considering I'd only had a ten minute introduction to ProTools.
Then I started walking toward Moseley with my friend Craig, WSOE Sports anchor and fellow GST 313 taker. He asked me if I needed any help, and I said if he could tell me how to get my stuff on RCS that would be great, but he didn't know. We called our general manager, Ryan, once we got to the studio, and I started to sweat. Ryan didn't answer his phone. It was 5:20. I took off my sweatshirt. I ran downstairs to Octagon and bought some Doritos. I have this new tendency of getting tremendously hungry when I'm nervous.
When I got back we got ProTools started up and I whipped out my notebook where I'd jotted down some notes during my ten minute PT tutorial. My notes don't always make sense when I read them later.
Craig was quiet because he could tell I was tense. Maybe I snapped at him a few times. It was 5:30 and I couldn't figure out why a certain program wasn't working for me. Ryan called. I was on the wrong screen of the program. By 5:45 I had my interviews switching over to RCS, but it was going slowly and I kept messing up and having to start over. Something was wrong with the audio. Then something didn't seem to be recording. Then it was 6:04 and I was still sitting on the wrong side of the studio, fiddling with ProTools and sweating bullets, squinting and scratching my head and doing all those other little things I'm sure I do when I'm freaking out.
Finally, I'm sitting in front of the controls and I completely forget which buttons to push and what to click and where to slide the volume knob and how to speak. Craig manned the board for me, and for that I owe him something awesome.
After I regained my voice and dried off my palms, I did OK, I think. I read my intro and a news roundup, Craig played an interview, I spoke a little bit and we played the flashy news music, he played another interview, and all of a sudden I was talking about Michael Phelps and thanking everyone for listening and we were off the air. It was 6:15. I'm not even sure what I said, I forgot to record the show.

Tomorrow night is my second news show. This time I don't have any interviews pre-recorded, because when I tried to do that yesterday I did something wrong and when I played it back I heard nothing. Thankfully I blogged about that interview at http://wsoenews.blogspot.com right after I did it, so all is not lost. My friend and colleague Morgan Little is coming on the show tomorrow night to help run the board and give his opinion on some things. He is the Pendulum's opinion editor after all. I'm also talking about a survey I did of about 90 Elon students last week about how the economy's affecting them. Hopefully this will make for a better show. And maybe I'll be super proactive and bring some chips and a fan, just in case.

beginning of the end

2009-02-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

So here I am on my first day of my final semester at Elon, and I'm missing Sussex more than ever. I hate that the time I spent there is slipping further and further away. While other seniors are probably reflecting fondly on their time at Elon and feeling bittersweet about leaving, I'm ready. I mean, I am by no means physically ready, but emotionally and mentally it's time for me to move on to something else. I've been considering several options, aside from the ones I've already mentioned: going to Canada for a bit and hanging out with Seth and Marissa while working at a coffee place and doing some soul-searching, going somewhere to work at a barn and getting reacquainted with the equestrian inside me. You know, just some random thoughts.
I'm finishing my NPR application and sending it off this weekend and then starting on the Slate Magazine one. But I'm hesitant. I just don't know what I want, and yeah, in the back of my mind it worries me a little, but in all honesty I'm not feeling a lot of pressure right now except from myself and that makes me happy =) So, here's to my final semester and making it worthwhile.

In other news, while my dad and I were in CT my mom got my new CD player installed in my car so I can actually listen to music and the radio when I drive! It's been so long!! I can finally listen to NPR wherever I am =D Also, this week I have to put together my first news show for WSOE to air next week so....wish me luck!!! I'm very, very excited, and of course a little bit nervous.

some things on my mind

2009-01-26T08:58:00.001-08:00

First, I want to talk about blogs.
This morning I was watching the CBS morning show, as usual, waiting for Ellen to come on, and Julie Chen was interviewing a girl who lost half her body weight with the help of...her blog. She documented her weight loss and attracted a network of supporters who helped her reach her goal. This is just one example of the power of blogs. There's been a lot of debate lately in the journalism world about what blogs will do for/to journalism. Will they completely negate the value of a J-school degree? What about experience? Credibility? Or, as with many of the blogs I've been researching lately for an ethics project, will they help fulfill journalists' aim of giving voice to the voiceless, or help those voiceless give themselves their own voice? I'm not sure of the answers to any of these questions, but it's something I'll be pondering a lot in future days I think.

Now, some life matters.
It feels like I am coming up on a few monumental decisions in my life. Things are about to change drastically. Although I knew I'd be graduating soon, when I was abroad I was mostly focusing on the present. Getting through those temporary changes that were so tremendous at the time. Now that I'm back in the States, back at Elon, I've retained some of those more internal changes and am preparing for a lot more. Now it's becoming real to me that I'm graduating from college. In a few months I'll have a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism, a few internships and student media positions under my belt, a slew of bylines in my portfolio and a ton of advice swimming around in my head. But absolutely none of that matters unless I find something to do with it that makes me happy and fulfills my goals. Right now I'm applying to NPR in Washington, two local NPR affiliate stations and Slate magazine in New York for internships. If I get one, I'll go for the summer, and take it from there. If I don't, right now the plan is to try to do some freelancing in Greensboro or in Raleigh until I can find something. And of course keep working at Starbucks. In a way, I feel like I'm less pressured to get a job than some of the other seniors because I'm graduating a year early, or just because I am putting myself under less pressure. My adviser, Dr. Copeland, even told me to take my time. But at the same time, if I graduate and I'm just working at Starbucks, I'll feel like I'm wasting my time. Although I will be saving money...I think it's time for a pro/con list. Or two or three.

January 10

2009-01-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

I've been back at school for a few days, trying to adjust to the atmosphere and actually having work to do. I had my interview at WSOE the other day and am officially the new news director. I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous. I know I have big shoes to fill and it's a big responsibility, but I think that for once, the passion, motivation and creativity are there.
I've been working on re-designing my Web site and it's going well, except that it's very time-consuming and I forgot how to use Flash in the past eight months. I'll have to get my notes from home because of course the 'help' drop down menu is no help.
Already had my first Media Law test and I think I did pretty well. The class is a lot of work but I think it will be worth it.
Here are a few of my new year's resolutions:
Finish re-designing and uploading portfolio to Web site.
Don't eat after 8:00p.m.
Let yourself be as creative as you can.
Doing pretty well so far :)

happy chrismahannukwanzaakah

2008-12-25T18:36:00.000-08:00

It feels like my semester abroad was at least a year ago. But it was over barely two weeks ago. I guess there's nothing like changing countries to make you feel like you're in a time warp. Except maybe an actual time warp. It didn't take me long to adjust back to Eastern Standard Time, for which I was grateful. Honestly the last two weeks kind of seem like a blur. I went to visit Elon and State to give out Christmas gifts the first Monday I was home, went to the Tanglewood Festival of Lights with Reid, went to Castle McCulloch for their Christmas Castle thing with Reid and my family, and on Tuesday I had a dinner party for some friends - I cooked everything, I was proud! Oh, I also made five different kinds of cookies in my first few days at home, with recipes from five of the countries I visited, and sent them to my grandma and my friends in Canada. I guess I've been kind of busy. Yesterday was my first day back at Starbucks and it being Christmas Eve didn't bother me at all, it was really nice to be back and greeting customers and drinking coffee and just being in that atmosphere again. Of course there were little annoyances and it was a nine hour shift but hey, it was fun. Then today I had an amazing Christmas. Reid and his parents came over for breakfast - my mom made a French toast souffle and an egg and sausage casserole and Reid's parents brought mimosas. We all exchanged gifts and Reid actually surprised me with a really beautiful dress, and that made my day because I usually figure out what I'm getting before I get it. So not only did I get an amazing gift, but also it was a surprise, a very well thought out and beautifully executed surprise :) Then my family and I went over to the Jacobuccis' and had lunch and played games, including Wii bowling and Guitar Hero, of course. I got to spend time with my three favorite families and everyone was all smiles all day - just the way Christmas should be!

I'm happy to say that so far I have not changed my mind about any of the decisions I made while abroad. I am still planning on graduating in May and transitioning right into the 'real world' instead of doing grad school. (We'll see if I can stay strong even when I go back to school...) I've just broadened my expectations a bit - I'm not focusing just on Raleigh anymore. I figure with the way the job market is, I should try to get whatever I can, and take whatever I can get. So right now the plan is to apply bunches of places in NC, SC and VA and see what I can get. It would be ideal to work for WFDD in Winston Salem, the public radio station I listen to whenever I can, but I'm not getting my hopes too high. I know this means I won't be living with Reid, but I think I'm OK with that. If we can live in different countries, we can live in different cities and/or states :)
In a way I'm looking forward to going back to school so I can finally move into the apartment with Jenn and Michelle and start my new position as news director for WSOE (:D) but at the same time I'm not really ready to get back to work. And of course I'm a little nervous about getting back into that high-pressure atmosphere. It'll be a whole new year though, maybe my resolution can be to avoid stress.

i belong to brighton

2008-12-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the computer lab in York House, the dorm I've lived in for three months, trying to write my last essay before I go home. On September 5th I was in this same room, at this same computer cluster, just on the other side and a few monitors down, tears streaming down my face, writing to my dad that I just couldn't do it. 'You and mom and Anya and Reid make me strong,' I wrote to him, ' and without you guys I'm too weak.' Later he'd responded that my strength comes from inside me. That's something I've always wanted. I've always wanted to be able to go somewhere and bring my strength, happiness and security with me, instead of having to find it again every time I get off a plane. I'm still not quite there, but these past three months have made a monumental difference.
Now that it's time to go home, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave. I miss my family and my friends, and I'm looking forward to the holidays at home, and going back to Elon, but at the same time I almost wish I was staying here another term. I never thought I'd say that, or this: Brighton has become like home to me.

two weeks left...

2008-11-30T12:52:00.000-08:00

Time for an update!!
REID just left this morning. Yes, my sweetheart came all the way to England to visit me, and three weeks before I go home! Well, he wanted to see the sights too, of course.
We had an amazing time. The first day he was here was a little rough because of jet lag & culture shock, and you would think that after all the trouble I had adjusting I would know not to bring him to Sainsbury's on a Saturday afternoon...but I guess I was just really excited that he was here and wanted to take him places. Friday felt like Christmas Eve, and I got up at 5am on Saturday to go pick him up at the airport, where I stood with a sign I made for half an hour at the wrong terminal, haha. But when I finally found him I squeezed him so hard and cried a little into his shoulder. It was incredible seeing him after almost three months, it felt so good to know that we got through it.
Sunday he was feeling better and we headed off to the airport to fly to Paris! We stayed at an amazing hostel on the canals where they filmed part of Amelie and we went to the Eiffel Tower that first night and ate baguettes and crepes just across the street. The tower was absolutely breathtaking. I don't remember it being that big, which is weird because the last time I saw it I was 11 and considerably shorter. Maybe it was the blue lights, but it was just so beautiful. We saw it as we passed by a building and it was insane, first all we see is concrete and then BAM, glowing blue amazingness. We went all the way to the top :) It was really romantic and just generally awesome. The next day we saw most of the other important sights, but we only had one day so we didn't spend too much time in any one place. Except for the cafe. We wanted something French, of course, and what is more French than a fat little guy in an apron spinning a tray outside his cafe winking at you and trying to get you to come in? So we did, and had the most amazing lunch - escargot, rose wine, Reid had steak with pepper sauce and I had a salad with smoked salmon and bleu cheese, crusty bread and creme brulee. The waiter was funny and spoke just enough English. Most people spoke just barely enough English, or at least that was all they felt like speaking. This was especially irritating when we first got to Charles de Gaulle airport and wanted to get tickets for the RER train into Paris and found out we had to pay with Euro coins, not notes. Anyway, lunch was amazing, Paris was just generally beautiful and that night we flew back to Luton, took the train and tube to Acton Town in London and arrived at our second hostel. It was more like a house, and Reid said it reminded him of Hey Arnold's. I could see it.
Our two days in London were full of tube rides and museums and walks. We saw Spamalot, which was hilarious, and ate at the Sherlock Holmes pub and bought a lot of souvenirs. I really feel like it's all a blur now, the week went by so fast, I can't believe he left already. When we got back to Brighton we just did a lot of hanging out and shopping downtown for his last 3 days. Thursday night we had Thanksgiving with a bunch of the other American kids here, and there was a pub quiz, which our team won! Reid got to meet all of my friends here and I think they all got along well. Thanksgiving night we also went clubbing, it was awesome to have him experience that with me, really to have him experience all of this with me, because no matter how many pictures I show my friends and family they'll never really know what it was like to live here for three months, and now Reid really has an idea for that.

I can't believe I'm leaving in two weeks. I honestly cannot believe it. The time has gone by so fast. It was almost three months ago that I sat right here and cried my eyes out because I just didn't think I could do it. I just could not possibly see myself living through three and a half months without my family or Reid or my comfort zone. But now I feel at home here. It feels so weird to say it, but I really do. I have a grocery store, a bus route, a favorite breakfast place, a routine of sorts (although it's much more relaxed than what I'm used to), a bedroom, a train station, this town feels like it's a part of me now in some way.
I'm ready to go home, to decorate and bake for Christmas and spend time with my family and my friends and my dogs, and to drive again and to go back to work. But at the same time I know I'll leave a piece of me behind here. At least now I don't have to have the added issue of no one understanding, because now Reid does :)

I know that when I go home some things will be the same, but I feel like under the surface, everything will be different. I'll be getting ready to graduate. I won't be working for the Pendulum like I did the past two years. I'll have a pleasant living situation at Elon for the first time (haha.) But mostly, I'll look at things so much differently than I did before I came here. I wonder if studying abroad changes everyone like it's changed me. I'm still the same person, but my way of thinking about things - mostly things like decisions and what makes me happy - has changed drastically. I feel like I'm a lot closer to knowing what's really important for me and not letting anything get in the way of it. I hope that doesn't fade when I go home.

Let's talk about globalization...

2008-11-13T03:33:00.001-08:00

I've been taking a class about the 'sociology of globalization' and although it's very interesting, it's also a bit infuriating at times, since no one really knows what globalization is or what causes it or what it means...spell check doesn't even recognize the word.
Yesterday though, I watched a video of PM Gordon Brown talking about how the economic downturn is the first of the 'new global age.' He repeated that phrase a few times. This is assuming that what is happening (the increasing interconnectedness of international economies and cultures) is in fact globalization and that this has created a new global age. This is what we call the 'globalist' view of globalization, as opposed to a 'skeptic' or 'transformationalist' view, which I won't go in to, at least not until I have to write my essay. Gordon Brown's comments though, and the idea that anything is the 'first' in this 'new era' sets the current time apart from that of earlier eras, without pinpointing where one stops and the other begins. Is this a prime example of using the idea of globalization as an excuse? As a scapegoat for what is happening to the economies of the world, as well as politics, human rights, environment, etc.? Even if Brown doesn't say the current crisis was caused by globalization, he classifies it as part of a new globalized world, a heavy statement. What are the rules of this new global environment? What does it mean to set ourselves apart from history?

the danger of trusting the 'guru'

2008-11-13T02:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not 100% sure, but I think this Slate article is about the guy who spoke to us at the CMA conference last winter who made me want to stick pencils in my eyes.
You know, the guy who said that if you don't buy your domain name no one will hire you, and if you aren't on Twitter or Facebook you're worthless as a journalist, and that really, anyone who knows how to use a cell phone can be a reporter, not just in the 'citizen journalism' sense but like, seriously a reporter. You remember, the guy who stood at the front of the room proclaiming omnipotence of new media, demanding our attention and absorption of his blabber.
At least that's how I saw it - Ashley, Bethany and Olivia, you may remember how heated I got, perhaps overreacting as usual, but Ron Rosenbaum seems to agree with me!
At the time, I refused to believe a word that came out of that man's mouth, perhaps partially because I find it very difficult to respect people who ooze such arrogance. But also, I refused to accept that in order to pursue my passion I'd have to set aside all of the fundamentals, the ethics, the nitty gritty that attracted me to it, and have my career reduced to something any old person with an Internet connection could do. I still believe that there is a lot of worth in a trained journalist, and lots of people in the field have agreed with me.
Obviously, I also believe in the usefulness of the blog - look at me go! I love editing video and working with Flash and things like that as well, I think they're all wonderful complements to reporting. Not replacements. And if someone throws away my resume because I haven't bought www.kaitlinugolik.com or because I refuse to update my life on Twitter every five minutes, so be it. Basically, I think I can survive journalism in a more 'traditional' way, augmented, not completely consumed, by new media.

My two pence.

2008-11-05T06:20:00.000-08:00

I'll be perfectly honest and say that since I have been in the UK I haven't felt particularly proud to be an American. I know a lot of it came from experiencing something new - it often does feel like the grass is greener on the other side, especially once you get to hang out in that grass for the first time.
But last night, when the United States set aside its ethnocentrism, racism, ignorance and stagnancy for something new, something positive, I felt incredibly proud to be an American, for the first time since I was about 11. I don't think all Americans exhibit those traits I just listed, but it's the way most people outside of the U.S. see us. My friend Seth was asked over and over when he was here in 2005, 'What is wrong with you people? Bush again??' Whenever I meet someone new and they realize I'm American, they want to know why we come across as so arrogant and ignorant. Well now I can tell them look, we swallowed our pride and admitted we needed help. We admitted we'd been wrong and needed a change to make things right.
No, I don't think Obama is going to fix everything. But I think he's going to do a hell of a job getting us on the road to success in so many areas.
It means a lot to me that he won. But even before I knew the results, when I still wasn't sure what they would be, I was proud, because people came out of the woodwork to vote in this election. No matter who they voted for, they voted. People decided it actually mattered this time. It took a war and a messed up economy and high gas prices to get them out, but hopefully it's started a trend of people paying more attention and investing more interest in their government, because America is supposed to be for the people. When the people don't pay attention is when it gets out of hand. I believe Obama will listen to the people. I do believe he'll be a president for everyone - for the McCain supporters, for whites and blacks and everyone in between, for college kids and retirees.
I think people make too little of his public speaking abilities. He rallied us all together didn't he? He got us caring about something, got us all empowered, made us all believe we could affect change. And we did it. The enthusiasm and optimism he creates in people, the hopeful atmosphere he brings, these are part of the foundation of a good government. At least, I think so.

Inverness, Kyle of Lochalsh, Kyleakin, Portree

2008-11-02T05:12:00.000-08:00

I am going to finally make an update about my trip to Scotland!

Thursday, 23 October
We left campus in the evening, took a train into London. We had time to waste before our coach to Inverness left and we wanted dinner and coffee so we went to what looked like a cozy cafe across the street. It was cozy, and cheap as well, but also very posh. The waiters were dressed in white and one was Brazilian so he and Ana chatted. Ana, Ale and Elizabeth got scones and tea or coffee but I got tea and bruschetta. We felt a little intrusive with our big backpacks but almost everyone was nice. One older Italian waiter told jokes and complimented us. We stayed for a long time, talking about religion and culture and language and our families. We knew we'd be on the coach all night so we brushed our teeth in the bathroom there before we left ():)
Then a 13-hour coach ride.

Friday
We got to Inverness around noon and got our train tickets to Kyle of Lochalsh. Then we went to get lunch at what turned out to be an American-themed restaurant, which was kind of funny. I had a really great veggie soup :) Then we went to a covered market for souvenirs, and then to Inverness "castle," which was pretty disappointing because I don't think any of it is original and it's now being used as a courthouse and offices so you can't even go inside. And it was raining. And freezing. So we went inside the Inverness museum. I learned a bit about the city, but not a whole lot because what ended up getting most of our attention were the hands-on activities ;) Ale and Ana played a medieval game with marbles for a while and then we found a kilt-type thing and directions for how to put it on so Ale put it on the ground and wrapped me up in it, haha! It had stopped raining after we left there but it was still really cold so we went to a cafe where we lounged on the couches until it was time to get the train. Elizabeth pointed out that we could be in any city in the world doing what we were doing, but we were all ok with that. Even my stomach! Which is really fond of British espresso apparently! :D I called Reid while I was at the cafe and talked to him and his mom and dad, it felt so good to hear all their voices! They were in Georgia, on the way to Molly's wedding in Florida.
We got on the train that evening and eventually made it to Kyle of Lochalsh and then took a bus to Kyleakin, where our hostel was. It was so dark though, so we couldn't really see the surroundings, which ended up being pretty damn beautiful.

Saturday
We woke up and it was a seriously blustery day - that's the only way to describe it. It was raining sideways and crazy windy and the bay across from the hostel was super choppy - we swore a little boat in it was going to tip over. We gathered in the hostel kitchen and with the help of our new friend Gordon, from Portland, we decided Portree might be a good place to go and explore since we couldn't go biking or pony trekking or on a boat tour like we'd wanted to do. We went to the covered bus stop and tried to stay dry while the wind howled all around. We were all cracking up at how ridiculous the weather was and Ana, who is from Brazil, was just speechless because she'd never seen anything like it before. When the bus finally came, the driver told us the buses might stop running soon because of the weather. We started to debate but he was really impatient so we just got on and then were persuaded by the slightly less wind and rain at the connecting stop to go ahead to Portree. We got on another bus and it was just the four of us and a really friendly woman. She told us everything she loved about the Isle of Skye - she was originally from Cambridge - and it turned out that she was married to the bus driver! He was awesome, he pulled over at one point so we could catch of glimpse of some highland cows :D at Portree we hung out at Aros - a sort of cultural center but there wasn't much to do. While we were there the rain and wind died down though so we decided to walk to the city center. We ate lunch at what we thought was a cute local place but it turned out that a bunch of obnoxious Americans thought so too. I tried Scotch pie and beans and chips - I didn't particularly enjoy it, but it was Scottish.
Then we went on a walk around Portree and it was absolutely incredible. The hills and water and sky and trees - there's no way to describe in words how beautiful it was. The walk took a couple of hours and I lost a glove, but walking IN Scotland, really in the highlands, was amazing. And the weather stayed more or less ok, although it changed every half an hour or so. We came to one cliff where the wind played with us and was more forceful than I'd ever felt it - Ale actually fell down! After our walk we realized that the buses had stopped running, even though the weather was pretty tame by then. We almost had to get a taxi, but there were still a few buses running so we made it to about 7 miles form Kyleakin and got a cab from there. The driver was a really nice guy born and bread on Skye. I decided to try to make conversation with him at the risk of not understanding his accent, and asked if many people spoke Gaelic. In fact a lot of people do, and not only does the language differ between Scotland and Ireland but even within the Isle of Skye. He was really warm and talkative and wished us a safe trip when he dropped us off.
I called Reid almost right away to tell him that we absolutely had to go back there at some point together - whatever it took. He agreed that a positive change was happening in me :)
The other girls played card games with Gordon by the fire in the lounge at the hostel and I tried to converse with a couple of Germans. We went next door to Saucy Mary's for dinner - the pub with a hostel that we'd actually thought was ours the night before. I had pizza and tried some Skye ale - not bad! We all went back to the hostel then and played charades with Gordon and the Germans and laughed ridiculously hard.
The hostel was really awesome, it had a warm hippie look and feeling - colorful and arty and a little rustic. There was a cat named Hemorrhoid wandering around and paying for breakfast and rented Wellies was on the honor system. Our beds had names like Yoda and Chewbacca.

Sunday
The weather looked better so we thought we might get to go on a boat ride after all, but we didn't because the boats weren't running until Tuesday. Instead we took a walk in the marshy area behind the hostel where we saw an otter. We had directions that were supposed to lead us to some moss-covered stone village ruins and we eventually found something that could have once resembled that. By then it was hailing so we hurried to Kyle of Lochalsh where we were getting the train back to Inverness. The bus schedule had changed that day though, so we ended up walking across the Skye Bridge into Kyle. Again - breathtaking views, and for most of the trek it was actually sunny. The weather seriously changed so drastically and so often though, I know it would drive me literally crazy to live there.
Once in Kyle we found lunch at a hotel pub on the water - delicious tomato soup and an 'egg and mayonaise' sandwich. Elizabeth and I met some nice guys at a souvenir shop nearby who told us we were really lucky to have seen an otter. One of them told us about when he used to herd sheep there, and his dog came upon an otter in a little valley. The otter stuck its butt in the air and hissed at the dog like a cat!
Around 3 we got the train to Inverness and then began our long journey back to London.
I met a really cool guy on the coach named Rory. We talked for a long long time until he got off at Preston and I went to sleep. He said I changed his perception of Americans. He liked to talk as much as I do so we learned a lot about each other. We talked about school, music, politics, the differences between our cultures, skiing (he's an instructor) and Canada (where his mom is from) among other things. He did have some stereotypes about Americans that were kind of silly. He tried to explain DJ music to me and recommended some British 'programs' to watch. He made fun of me when I said 'movie theater' and 'awesome.'
The cool thing is I am still in touch with Gordon and Rory on Facebook :)

I hope someone is reading my blooooog!

2008-10-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

So yesterday Haley and I hosted our first radio show together. It's going to be a weekly thing, assuming they don't kick us off for accidentally playing an explicit Streets song...oops...
The show is called Erasmus's Laundry and we're going to have a different theme each week. This week it was "What we as Americans consider popular British Music." We asked people to call in and tell us if they thought we were right or wrong but no one called. Oh well, it's just as well, because maybe it means no one heard our flub ;) You can stream the show online at www.urfonline.com at 10am East Coast USA time on Wednesdays. Next week is Halloween-themed, of course :D

Tonight I leave for Inverness! I'm very excited, because I'm going with some very fun and adventurous people. Also, Reid's mom knows some people in Inverness so we may have connections. It's supposed to rain the whole time we're there, but oh well, beautiful landscape is beautiful landscape, no matter the weather, that's how I see it. Also there's a castle in Inverness! And we're going to the Isle of Skye as well, and if the weather isn't too bad, there's a possibility of pony trekking :D
We're not going to Loch Ness or to Edinburgh, which are the two places you're really "supposed" to go in Scotland, but I honestly am just excited to be going there at all!
It's going to take us about 12 hours by overnight coach to get there, but I'm kind of used to that from driving to and from CT so much in the past ten years.

I will be back on Monday with pictures and updates!

Cymru <3

2008-10-20T04:31:00.000-07:00

I really need to take a nap and do some reading and some laundry, but I feel it necessary to document my lovely Wales trip first :)

Thursday:
I was kind of nervous all day because I knew that night I'd be traveling to London and staying in a hostel by myself. (I decided to do this because it would give me a better chance of catching the tour bus, unlike last time I tried to go to Wales.) I had gotten pretty drunk Wednesday night and fell asleep before I could talk to Reid, and Thursdays are his busy days so I was nervous about not getting to talk to him before I left. I was just nervous in general. Around 7:30 I made it to Falmer station with my backpack and realized I'd forgotten my smaller bag with my more comfy shoes in it. So I ran back across campus. Luckily I had topped up my mobile and used some of my super cheap international rates to call Reid in the time before I finally got on the train. The trip went smoothly. I wasn't in any huge hurry - though I'd told the hostel I'd arrive around 10, their desks are 24-hour and they don't really care when you turn up. So I sat and listened to my iPod and thought about things until I got to London Victoria. I had directions to the hostel, which was very close to the station, and although I did have to ask for help, I found it without many problems. It in one of many white pillared row houses and I knew it right away from the people smoking and milling around outside. The wall behind the front desk had a collage of faces that I assumed were frequent visitors. I got my key and went to my room to see the lights already out and hear snores at 10:30. I had to get up at 6:30, so I figured I'd get to sleep early too.

Friday:
I woke up before my alarm, as always, washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed in the ensuite bathroom, retrieved my 10 quid deposit for the key and made sure I knew how to get to Vauxhall Rd. It was a nice walk, cold and dark and only a few people out. It felt like 4am, not 6:30. I found a Caffe Nero and got some tea and found the Haggis office without any trouble - I was proud! As soon as I walked in a guy in the corner perked up and said hello, asking my name and where I was from. I soon realized that he was always that happy and it made the tour that much more enjoyable :) He was one of the many Aussies on our trip, and one of the reasons I've decided that I must visit that country.
We waited around for a while and then threw our stuff into the "boot" of the bus, found our seats and met Greta - our tour guide. THE tour guide. I almost wish I hadn't had her on my first tour because she was so great. She is outspoken, loud, hilarious, friendly, sweet, has a ton of knowledge about the UK, and is just genuinely fun to be around. I loved her as soon as she opened her mouth though, because of her Oxford accent.
Greta likes to play games to help the time pass and also play her iPod through the speakers on the bus - for which I was grateful, though some people probably weren't. We all introduced ourselves and I realized I wasn't the only American, but would soon find out that the other three were stuck together and I was left to bond with the Aussies, the woman from South Africa, the guy from Ukraine, the girl from Canada and the one from New Zealand. Which turned out to be amazing. Except for the guy from Ukraine, who we all ended up deciding was really playing up his culture shock just to be a jerk sometimes.
I had been nervous about going on this tour by myself, but I knew right away that I was going to be incredibly comfortable and maybe even make some new friends.
The first stop was in Chepstow to see the castle and stand on the bridge dividing England and Wales. Look how beautiful that is!!! It was awesome to learn about the history of everything too, but of course I can't remember it all now. Just like I can't remember the Welsh we learned from the podcast on the bus. I can remember one two words: Cymru means Wales and Shwmae means hello (pronounced SHOOM-eye.)
After Chepstow we went to Tintern Abbey, an old Cistercian abbey. It was about 4 quid to go in but I decided to spend my money in the gift shop on Welsh things instead :) That's where I learned to say Cymru actually, from the guy at the gift shop - he said it koom-ree. Welsh vowels are exasperating. We picnicked in the ruins across from the Abbey with our sandwiches and crisps from M&S. It's really huge. Greta told us to try and imagine making a pilgrimage and seeing it as it was, with stained-glass windows and everything. Pretty stunning. Also all of the fall colors behind it made it even more beautiful.
After the Abbey we moved on to the Big Pit, a coal mine in Blaenavon. Coal mining was the basis of Welsh livelihood until Margaret Thatcher outsourced the job. It was very hard on the Welsh people and the country's economy. The Big Pit is a museum that teaches about the history of mining in Wales and also employs former miners to run tours IN the mine. We took a tour and ended up 700ft underground. THAT was a feat for me. I didn't freak out at all! Shanah, one of the Aussies, showed me how to twist my arms to relieve anxiety - she knows reflexology. The mine was really interesting, we learned how they mined and what the conditions were like - shit - and also we saw the stables. Yeah, stables. They kept horses down there for years and years and they never saw the sun. Sad. I was happy to get back out in the air.
We then drove to Abergavenny (aber meaning "at the mouth of the river," the river being the Wye) to drop our stuff off at the hostel - the Black Sheep Backpackers above an incredible pub. Then a bunch of us went to a haunted pub nearby - the Skirrid Inn. It's the oldest pub in Wales and used to be used as a courthouse so tons and tons of people were hanged there. I met a cool couple while I was getting a pint of Brains (Welsh beer!!) and talked to them for a while about Wales and also about Brighton. The man's father used to work in the mines. The barlady was really nice as well and I told her all about our tour.
We went back to the Black Sheep and did a pub quiz and sang karaoke. We didn't really need it to break the ice by that time but we all drank a lot and sang and laughed it and was a really really good time.

Saturday:
After our free tea and toast in the pub/hostel we went for a walk in the Brecon Beacons. A magnificent national park with waterfalls and hills and low mossy walls and sheep! It was absolutely beautiful and it was amazing to breathe the clean woodsy air and feel like we were really exploring the country.
The next stop was Cardiff - the capital city. There was a castle there but I decided to explore the city centre instead. I bought some gifts at the castle gift shop though! I also went into the city covered market and bought some Welsh cakes, which were delicious - they're like scones, but softer and with sugar on them :) I ate lunch with Khama, Shanah and Andrew at Revolution. I had a really good parm-crusted chicken breast over asparagus with lemon mayo for only 6 quid. We talked about life and love and school and work and traveling. I really felt like I was getting to know these people after only having me them the day before. It really amazed me how much everyone had traveled. Andrew is all over the place in Europe for the next few months, Tracey has lived in a ton of different countries, including Malaysia, and Jessica is almost through her first of two years just working and living around Europe before she goes home to Canada. I don't know if I could do that!!
After Cardiff it was off to Caerphilly, famous for having the second largest castle in the UK - which was breathtaking - and also for its cheese, which was really tasty! That night we ate at a bar in Abergavenny and I tried to have a conversation with the Ukrainian guy. He was trying to explain to me how Ukraine is not civilized and the reason he is visiting Britain is to become civilized. The language barrier was definitely a hindrance, but then he would say things like "you are American, you are going to get fat if you eat then," when I was ordering food. I wasn't too fond of him. There was more drinking and more karaoke back at the pub that night though :D

Sunday:
Yesterday was a little disappointing after the previous two days chock full of adventures. We went to Hay-on-Wye, the famous village of books, and although I bought a couple of books, it wasn't a very exciting place. Then we had a long drive to Stratford upon Avon, which was cool because it's Shakespeare's birthplace and we saw his house and I got some chocolate truffles, but there wasn't much else to do there. So most of yesterday was spent driving, but honestly the bus rides were almost as fun as the excursions. We laughed and sang and told stories and played two truths and a lie and did our own sort of pub quiz, and Greta told us about her life and other people's lives and just generally funny stories.
All in all it was an amazing weekend and I can't wait to get out again and go to Scotland this weekend. My mom decided to send me some more money, so I may be able to make it to the mainland after all! I really want to go to Italy.
33 more days til Reid comes!! :D

...

2008-10-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

No wonder why Brits drink so much. I can't speak for "adults" but Uni kids have nothing to do BUT drink!
It's my second week of classes and so far I have been to each class only twice and seen a movie for each of them (they are film classes.) There is no work to do except for reading, that only matters in relation to discussions (which are mediated and you don't need to know a whole lot to join) and the end-of-term assessments which are big papers. And those papers are the only assignments.
I have been spending an awful amount of time sitting at this laptop and watching TV online.
There are clubs on campus, but the only ones that have really started are the sports. I'm going to work for the radio station but I'm not sure how much time that's going to take - I want to try to do a documentary so hopefully I will get an idea soon and dive into that.
I tried to start volunteering for an organic garden but the lady never got back to me. I guess I could try volunteering somewhere else.
Today in class I was talking to a few of the girls about this and they said that yeah, Uni here is "self-teaching, but no one does it." One girl said she'd rather go to Uni like we have in the US where we have assignments to keep us on track. I'm not sure if one is better than the other but I am definitely not used to this and feel like such a waste. There has to be something else I can do than sit in my room but I'm not sure what - I have friends of course but I don't think they've got any ideas either.
I need to find a hobby or something soon though because this is driving my crazy.

something new

2008-10-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

I'm learning so much about myself. And I don't know if it has anything to do with being abroad. Maybe being away from school and the Pendulum is helping me realize what I really want. I've been so confused. I don't have the passion for journalism that I see in others. Really, at Elon I am just constantly comparing myself to others. I'm not as motivated as Olivia or Alyse, and that made me feel like I was therefore less, therefore not going to get what I wanted in life. But now I'm starting to realize that I don't want the same things that they do, and that's why I'm not working as hard for them. And also I'm starting to realize that the only way I can really figure out what I want is by asking MYSELF what I want, not trying to figure it out through comparisons of myself to others. I'm learning that it's OK that I don't want the same things as the people I work with and go to school with. I'm learning that WHATEVER I want is OK, really. What I have a passion for is learning, and teaching. I do not want to teach in the traditional sense, though. I want to learn, research, experience and then relate my findings to others. That, I think, is the essence of journalism. At least that's how I see it. And I can do that in so many different ways. I don't care about the business of it so much, the trends, the rules, the expectations. I know those are things that I will encounter and will have to deal with, but I am not focused on them. What I'm focused on right now is doing what will make me happy and will make some kind of difference in someone else's life.
I'm sounding idealist, I know, and I'm sounding like a hippie college student who's abroad and is wanting there to be world peace and to be happy with her life and for everything to work out just beautifully with a cherry on top.
But I know things don't always work out beautifully. I just don't think that I have to settle for something that doesn't feel right to me. I really don't. I think that if I don't want to write for newspapers, I don't have to write for newspapers. If I don't want to be "intrepid" or "aggressive" or "motivated" in the way that the comm school is making me feel like I need to be...I don't have to. The only way I can achieve what I want to achieve is by reaching those adjectives in my own way.
I've always had plans. I've never wanted to think of myself as a "Type A" kind of person, or someone who makes plans and is uncomfortable with change. But I am. Moving to a new place throws me off. A change in the weather is to my emotions like a change in cabin pressure on a plane is to the body. But the problem is, I've never really thought very much about those plans that I make. In middle school, all I cared about was boys and horses. I denied it, of course, but that was all I cared about. In high school it wasn't much different, except the horses were gone once I started my junior year. I started to explore and learn new things but I didn't really know what I wanted. I took a journalism practicum and worked for the Guilfordian and I loved it. I absolutely adored it. But I felt inadequate. But I made a plan anyway - go to Carolina and be a journalist. But it wasn't really my idea. Even though I made the choice and I sent in the application and I cried when I was rejected, I didn't really think about it all that much before I put the plan in action. I seriously just "ended up" at Elon. I wasn't planning on being there at all. I knew next to nothing about it. I don't even really remember why I applied. I don't know if I just have a terrible memory or if the truth is that I've never put a whole lot of thought into my future, I've just done what I thought I was supposed to do. I've always been told I was a good writer, so I thought I'd be one for my career. And now that I've been studying it for so long, I feel like there's nothing else I know how to do, so regardless of whether it's what I want to do, I'm stuck. At least that's how I felt until recently.
I know the job market is bad and that the economy is bad and that things don't always work out as you plan, but I don't want to feel caged. I don't want to grow dreds and stop shaving my armpits and make my own soap, though a small part of me has always wanted to be that person. Or maybe I'm just fascinated with those people. What I want is to break free from what I thought I always wanted. Really, it was just what I thought was my only option.
I recently decided to change my plan. It happened suddenly. It's strange how spontaneous and flaky I can be, when I make these plans. The plan was originally to stay at Elon for 4 years even though I could finish in 3 because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Then last semester Dr. Copeland told me about the new grad program and I decided I'd go ahead and graduate early and do that - that was a pretty quick decision as well. That's been the plan.
Then the other day I started thinking about how I need to pick classes for next semester, and how expensive grad school is going to be and how I don't even know if I want to do it. I was just going to do it because it seemed "right," but honestly I'm sick of right. I'm sick of doing what I'm supposed to do to make my resume shine. I'm doing OK on my own. I found my first internship all by myself, and they loved me there. I found the second one with some help and even though I didn't like it, they liked me. I'm doing OK networking. My resume is not beautiful but...basically what I'm saying is I want to do things the chill way for once.
I've been accelerated for so long. I went to the "smart" high school, graduated and brought 56 credits to Elon. I'm graduating a YEAR early. I want to chill out for a while, do something different, get happy and save money and live with my boyfriend and try new things. I want to paint and write in all forms and I want to keep working at Starbucks and I just don't want to go the way that the intrepid, aggressive, motivated journalism student is "supposed" to go. And you know what, I think I'm still going to get a job that makes me happy. Because I am finally OK with the fact that what my fellow students and Pendulum workers want may not be what I want. I'm not 100% on what exactly it is that I want, but I'm well on my way to finding out.
This is a big deal for me. Maybe being abroad is a big part of it - I did something HUGE by coming out here. I got away from safe. I want to keep doing that. I don't want to throw the life vest away but I want to swim a few yards from it at least. I think I'm finally almost ready to become my own person, and I'm on top of the world.
I may not find a job. I may have to stay at Starbucks for a long time, but I'm lucky and my parents can help me, and I have skills enough to do some secretarial job if I need to or something until I can get where I want to be. A tiny part of me feels like I'm giving up, like I'm failing, like I'm running away from where I need to be by just graduating and moving to Raleigh and working at Starbucks and freelancing. Part of me feels like that's not enough. Like I need to get a "real job" right away. But maybe that's because I'm not used to taking life one step at a time. I'm not used to not having a long-term plan. I want to try it out.

Quick Trip to London & Dublin

2008-10-08T03:44:00.000-07:00

So. Last Thursday Kim, Haley and I got up early and went to London. We saw everything we could. We took a Beatles tour through Soho (Ashley B joined us!!!) and stood outside Paul McCartney's office. We rode the tube and picnicked near Buckingham Palace and Kim fed the swans (or tried to...) and she also kind of got attacked by a rogue squirrel. Of course we also went souvenir shopping. We hung out at Trafalgar Square and for dinner we ate at the Sherlock Holmes where I had my first fish and chips! It took us a long time to find it, because as we proved to ourselves over and over again that we all suck at navigating. We walked over to the Westminster Bridge and watched the lights turn on in the Abbey at dusk. That night we stayed at St. Christopher's Inn (hostel) in Hammersmith, which was pretty nice. There was a bar downstairs and free toast and tea in the morning. The next day we went to that Tate Modern and did some more sight seeing, and when Kim went to see Spamalot (which we were all supposed to see) Haley and I had to go catch out plane to Dublin.
I was so stressed out. I was worried we'd miss the flight and yet another of my trips would be ruined. We got to the airport but then our gate number wasn't displayed and the flight was delayed. We finally got on the flight and we got to Dublin around 11 I think. We took a bus to O'Connell Street in the center of Dublin, and from there we had to walk to find our hostel. We'd asked a lady at the bus stop who was selling bus tickets to show us on a map where Talbot Place was. We later found out that she hadn't known what she was talking about. We walked around until about 2am looking for that street, asking several people, a few of whom were drunk and excited that we were Americans. I was pretty overwhelmed. We finally got there and it wasn't the cleanest or friendliest place but after making a frantic call to Reid, I went to sleep.
The next day I decided to be positive - I was in Dublin and may never have this opportunity again. So I put on my coat and a smile and asked Haley what she'd like to do. We took a "hop on, hop off" bus tour of the city. I actually learned a ton, and I liked the city a lot but I was kind of glad that I was only there for one day.
We meant to go to some museums, but the only site we really got to spend time at was the Guinness Storehouse. We took the self-guided tour and got our free pints, but I don't really like Guinness so I just took a picture with mine :D I think my favorite parts of the Storehouse were the advertisement exhibits. Also, I'd never really put Guinness beer and the Guinness book of world records together, but of course they are connected! Someone in the company wanted to create a book with answers to pub arguments like what the fastest flying game bird was, for bartenders to have. Also interesting: doctors gave Guinness to nursing mothers and irritable old people. I bought some gifts at the shop at Guinness and I also got some postcards and a claddagh ring elsewhere :) I've always wanted one of those. The first one I bought turned out to be pretty flimsy so I got another made of stainless. We ate lunch in a coffee shop called Insomnia and dinner in the Temple Bar area - THE place to be in Dublin, I'd say from what I'd seen. We ate dinner at a place called the Shack Restaurant - it wasn't as "traditionally Irish" as we'd hoped, but it was good. We had vegetable soup with walnut bread and seafood in sauce wrapped up in a crepe - something kind of like a traditional Irish "boxty." I started to feel sad though, at dinner. I think it was the fact that I was in yet another new country. I don't do very well with change, I guess.
Haley had been trying to get in touch with her cousin all day and finally she met up with us and we went to a pub, populated by old men and middle-aged women and a DJ playing songs from Grease. By 4:30am we were in the hostel being woken up by a Spaniard telling us it was 5:30 and we were rushing to get to the airport.
Classes started Monday, but I didn't have one until Documentary yesterday. Unfortunately, upon starting the class the "convenors" just told us that the class was canceled and we'd all have to choose new ones. So, I chose Analysing Animation, and now I have at least an hour of class every day, which is kind of lame, but oh well. I had that class this morning and I really think it will be interesting, I just think Documentary would have been amazing. Tonight I have a screening of Brokeback Mountain for my Issues in Film Studies class.
I am quite excited because I'm planning on trying for Wales again, next Friday!

I am not in Wales. Oops.

2008-09-27T02:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt deathly ill, so I went to the health centre and paid 20 quid for them to tell me I have the flu or a "flu-like illness" and that I just needed some ibuprofen and sleep. So I stayed in bed all day drinking tons of water and grape juice so that I could get up at 3 this morning to go to Wales.
I do feel a lot better health-wise, but I am not in Wales :(
Camden and I got a taxi at 3:30, got to our coach with plenty of time, but then we didn't realize we were supposed to get OFF the coach at Gatwick airport and get on another one, so we stayed on until Heathrow where we figured out our mistake. We took the Underground from Heathrow to (we thought) Victoria, but a bunch of stops were under construction (including Victoria) so we ended up at Notting Hill, and by then it was after 7am, the time the coach to Wales was to leave. So we just had to come back to Sussex. We were both upset, but what can you do? We just laughed at ourselves. It was such a waste of money though, we figured it out and we wasted almost $300 (150 quid.) But I'm still determined to do something awesome this week so I might try to go to Dublin with Kim and Haley. It's mostly the money that bothers me, but I make mistakes like this so often I'm almost numb to it...

Communication Breakdown

2008-09-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

The walk to Stanmer Park, an absolutely beautiful nature reserve where Stanmer Organics is located, only takes about 15 minutes. Just take the bike path near the underpass at Falmer Station and continue until you see two white houses on your right, with a road between them. Follow that road and you'll come to big fields, hills, Stanmer House, Stanmer Tea Rooms, Stanmer Village and, of course, Stanmer Organics. Which is huge. Haley and I just wandered around for a while looking at all the different projects they had going on. I never saw anyone I thought might be Maggie, the person I'm supposed to talk to about volunteering, but I did see a small naked boy with an afro running around and a huge yurt with story time going on inside.

After we returned from our excursion, I did a bit of research for my paper and then Haley, Kim and I went into town for dinner. We ate at Wagamama, this cool noodle place that had the best noodles I think I've ever had. Also plum wine, which is absolutely delicious. All of the menus here have little v's next to dishes that are OK for vegetarians, and at this place the menu also had a glossary for all of the crazy Asian words. I can't even remember the name of what I got. After dinner, which we scarfed heartily, we went in search of dessert. By accident we found Lick, an awesome frozen yoghurt place (yes yogHurt) that uses actual yogurt, not like what you'd get at Ben & Jerry's or Bruster's. You put in candy or fresh fruit and it is delicious :D

Yesterday Haley, Sara and I went to the Stanmer Tea Rooms for a real breakfast - something we'd all been lacking since we got here. I had scrambled eggs, toast, mushrooms, a whole tomato and veggie sausage, and tea of course. There were supposed to be beans on the plate too but that turned me off. It was a nice walk first thing in the morning and we definitely burned the calories getting back to campus. Then there was the horror of the entire school's Internet being down. We all have papers to write so it was a little nuts. The library was open 1-6 and a few of us just holed up in here scavenging for wireless Internet, which we found, which I am using right now because I still don't have Internet in my room. Apparently this happens kind of often...

After being in the library for five hours and not really getting anything done, I went out to a comedy club with a small group. Komedia is an awesome venue with a cafe in front and long tables in the actual club, and of course a bar. We saw four comedians but the MC was by far the best. Also, we weren't the only Americans there so it was another guy from California who was the butt of a lot of the jokes :) Some of the humor was lost on me but I kept up pretty well, I think. And today I have finally started my paper and written about 1/4 of it, which makes me a lot less worried because before now I've been completely unmotivated.

I'm getting really excited for my Wales trip but they were supposed to send me a confirmation e-mail to my Sussex address but that's still down and I can't check it so...I hope I actually booked my spot! My mom is encouraging me to just splurge and go to mainland Europe...but we'll see...

Another reason why UK>US

2008-09-20T04:57:00.000-07:00

They're trying way harder than us to be green...sometimes it's a little scary...http://earthfirst.com/uk-court-decides-threat-of-global-warming-justifies-breaking-the-law/

Brightonian Days/Nights

2008-09-20T02:54:00.001-07:00

I got my absentee ballot yesterday, and I think I've decided that if John McCain becomes president I'm staying in the UK ;) I also did my laundry for the first time since I've been here yesterday. It was pretty straightforward, just really expensive, so hopefully I can keep up the 'every two weeks' plan. Thursday was amazing.
Haley and I met at noon to go into town with two goals in mind: visit STA Travel to find somewhere cheap to go for the weekend after September Term (Sept. 27&28) and have tea at the Royal Pavilion. Both were acheived :)
We took the bus into town and our first stop was STA. I picked up a brochure that had exactly what I wanted on exactly the right weekend: horseback riding in Wales!! It was £115, £121 with insurance, but it seems absolutely perfect. On Saturday we'll take a coach to into Wales and see beautiful countryside and castles and the capital, and we'll stay in a hotel that's included in the price (as is breakfast!) and then on Sunday we'll go horseback riding!!! :D :D :D I can't tell you how excited I am. It's been WAY too long since I've been on a horse...last November I think! I'm a little nervous, I have to admit, but I feel like horses used for tourists must be pretty tame. I tried to talk Haley and this girl Sara into going with me but they both said it was too expensive. Camden said he'd go, but he's in Edinburgh right now so hopefully he'll still be able to book it when he comes back. Man, I'm just so excited. I was getting kind of bummed because I realized I won't have enough money to make it to mainland Europe probably, but there's so much to explore in the UK. At STA I also got this booklet with other bus trips in it, and two of them are even more amazing than this Wales one. Well, they have no horses so maybe not, but they're both £89 and they're 3 days and on one you go to southern Ireland and on the other you go to Scotland and they hit all the important parts and you stay in hostels that are like £15 per night and food is cheap and basically I think it's affordable and then at the end of my time here I will feel like I really traveled :)
This morning I was walking around on campus and I realized that sometimes I forget that I'm in a different country. It's not like there are things all around to remind me all the time, or there are, but I've just gotten used to them. I noted yesterday that there are a zillion different types of fruit juice here, and that is awesome. Also I had a latte at this place called Red Roaster and it didn't make me sick, which is also pretty awesome.
...I've digressed...
After STA Haley and I made our way to the Royal Pavilion. We were looking for a bus stop to take us there when she looked up a street to our left and - there it was! I had my tenancy agreement with me because if you live in town you get in for half price :) We got audio tours and walked through the lavish palace learning about the prince regent's gluttony.

He didn't get along with his father, the king, so he built this huge Chinese-style palace in Brighton. The outside is striking but the inside is just insane - everything is Chinese-inspired, from the wallpaper to the dragon statues to the bamboo bannisters. There's an enormous chandelier in the banquet hall that is hanging from a huge stone dragon's claws. The dragon is really menacing. There are also smaller dragons around the sides of the chandelier holding lotus flowers in which there used to be oil lamps so it looked like they were breathing fire. Some rooms in the palace are more regal because the prince changed them after he became king. But in every room there's a story about him showing off or eating or womanizing, haha. We couldn't take pictures inside, but it was really incredible.
About halfway through the tour there's a stop at the tea room, where Haley and I had our lunch. I got the "savory tea," which came with a pot of tea, a cheese "scone" which was really more like a biscuit and some interesting crackers/crunchy stick thingies. The scone was amazing, it was doughy and cheesey and delicious. There was a seagull on the balcony where we were eating and I was ready to beat it to death if it came near us - I've already been attacked once by a seagull for my food. It was really warm and sunny and beautiful and the balcony overlooked the gardens where people were reading and talking and one guy was playing a ukulele. There was construction going on right next to the balcony so there was some dust and noise, but we tried to block it out by talking about...what else? Elon. Haha.
We could see the Brighton Museum from the balcony so we decided to go there next. There were all kinds of trinkets and little stories from the town's eclectic history - all about celebrations and parties and the 'healing waters' of the English Channel and gay pride.
After a stop at Sainsbury's for some essentials, we headed back to campus to rest up before the big bad pub crawl!! We went to three pubs that night - Riki Tik, The Hope and...well to be honest I don't remember the name of the third one. Drinks were cheap :) I was pretty happy, talking to people I wouldn't normally talk to and learning about them and their lives back in Pennsylvania or Connecticut or wherever. I really liked the Kronenbourg beer. By the time we got to the club at the end of the night - Oceana - I was ready to dance and party, but after about an hour I got really tired and as I sobered up I started getting annoyed by all the people so I was ready to leave.
A whole bunch of people had the bright idea to plan trips to Dublin this weekend so when they were trying to catch buses and trains at 3am or 8am or whatever, I was sleeping! I got up at 11 yesterday and basically just did laundry and worked on my presentation for class. Then Haley and I watched Baby Mama ;)
The weather has been just incredible but I don't want to jinx it by discussing the particular precipitation that I haven't seen since about the second day I was here...
I haven't talked to my mom in a while and I'm starting to miss her. I got to skype with Harley and Zoe yesterday so that was great :D
Today I need to work on my essay and then at 2 Haley and I are going to Stanmer Organics, where we're hoping to volunteer. We're going to be planting veggies and taking some home! :D
Ta for now, loves <3

getting down to business

2008-09-16T02:52:00.001-07:00

I'm getting really sick of being sick! Woke up this morning with a congested chest and ears too. I have swollen glands in places that I didn't even know I had glands. I hope this isn't just a vicious cycle of all of us getting each other sick over and over again...but I guess that's what happens when you live in dorms!

I'm in the Uni Sussex library now. I should be looking up books to read for my class but I've been so overstimulated with life in a new culture that it's hard to settle down enough to study. I think that will change soon though, because I have a presentation and an essay due next week.

The Globe was a little smaller than I thought it would be, but it was beautiful. I wonder just how close it is in appearance to the original. The play was good, and I especially liked the music and the fairies, but I honestly missed the Elon 1960's version! I guess because it's the one I saw first. Also Puck wasn't exactly easy to look at and I feel like he should be. But what do I know? I haven't even read the play. I did notice a lot of folklore in it though, which should be good for my class...maybe it's an essay topic...?

I'm surprised at how different I feel today from the way I felt this time last week. I feel almost at home here. I'm excited for when Autumn term starts and the campus is buzzing and I'll have an exercise class and volunteering to do. I tried to turn in my volunteer application yesterday but I walked in on a meeting...oops. Well it's already 11 and I have class at 3 and I do want to find some kind of decongestant if I can...I'm trying to avoid the health center because I'm not sure how it works.

Oh, awesome, a man is drilling into the brick right here in the library next to the computers...I don't need more distractions!!

sussex is amazing

2008-09-15T03:36:00.000-07:00

The past week has gone by so fast, and I've done so much! We had that day trip to London, then a tour of Brighton, then Friday there was a ghost tour which was kind of lame. Saturday we went to Stonehenge and it was incredible. Then yesterday we had a "sunday stroll" in the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty around campus. Tonight is Midsummer Night's Dream at the Globe!

Class is going well, there's a lot of reading but we're only expected to skim most of it. This whole area is really interesting, and I picked the perfect class because I'm learning so much about its history through studying folklore. I'm doing my presentation on the differences and similarities between folk medicine in Appalachia and Sussex. I have to write an essay as well but I'm not sure what that'll be on yet. It's all due next week!

After September term there's a week called Fresher's Week with lots of activities, but the weekend in between I'm hoping to go to Wales.
I'm really starting to feel at home here and I haven't been very homesick in the past few days. I am sick though, I'm very congested, but it's going around.

I really want to know what's going on with the Pendulum so hey, let me know Pendy people! <3

ok!

2008-09-09T03:17:00.000-07:00

I am officially a student at Uni Sussex! It took a few days, but they finally got my registration sorted out and I have an ID card! That means I can use the library, which is fabulous because I am not going to buy all of these books for my English Folklore class...

I'm really excited about the class, except for the one major disappointment with it - those of us who have tickets to see A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Globe Theater next week are expected to attend class during the time that we are supposed to be going to the play. I think I'll try to figure something out though, because come on, Shakespeare, at the GLOBE!
Folklore interests me more than I thought it would already, because really studying it is a form of anthropology. We have our first field trip tomorrow and I'm very excited. I think I'll take a field trip by myself today, to the village of Falmer right across the street. He told us to use it as a library, because so much local folklore has come from there.

We have some sun again today, which is great. Last night was fun - we all went down to Brighton and had a little walking tour, then got £5 burger and beer. I had Strongbow again because it's so tasty, but Camden reminded me of its acidity and I decided not to drink too much of it. Then we came back to East Slope bar on campus (reminiscent of West End?) for a goodbye party for this guy Voitek (NO idea how to spell his name) who has been working at our reception desk but is leaving to go home to Poland today to start his job as a lawyer. All of the people working around here are extremely well-educated and successful young people. It's inspiring!

I'm getting used to the weather, which is cloudy even when it's sunny. Looking out at the hills and fields from the bus or train, it just doesn't seem like it would look right if it were sunny.

Last night when we took the bus back to campus from downtown we all sat on the top right at the front, where the bus driver would be if it weren't a double decker. It was exciting to be right up against basically the windshield of the bus! ...small things like that excite me...

I was trying to decide between a £100 3-month bus pass and a £24 Young Person's Rail Pass but I think I've decided to just get both. That way I can go into Brighton whenever I want and if I go something like 27 times it pays for itself and well...I think I might go that much in three months! And with the YPRP I can get 30% discounts whenever I use the train, no matter where I'm going, so that will be good for UK travel. It's a lot of money, £124 but I think it will be worth it, and my parents have already told me they'll send me more if I need it...which I will...haha

Now. Do I want to see Death Cab in Belfast, Dublin, Edinburgh, Nottingham, Bristol, Sheffield, Brussels, Munich, Paris, Berlin, London or at the Hague?

All right.

2008-09-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Okay now I will actually talk about England instead of just complaining about it. To be honest, this has been very hard for me. I go to school 30 minutes from my house so I never really "went away" to college. This, however, is going away. I haven't calculated the exact distance, but I really don't feel it in miles anyway, just in emotions. The first few days have been difficult because it is my nature to be anxious, and it is basically everyone's nature to feel a little offset by traveling, so for me it was extra rough. I have been crying a lot, but it's steadily getting less.

On Thursday I was so excited, but I was quiet. I didn't really feel much of anything. The ride to the airport was fun, snuggling with Reid and taking stupid pictures with Anya's MacBook. Even the flight, sitting next to a calm older woman with some shocking stories, was fine. I didn't sleep much though. When I got here, it all hit me. I thought to myself - WHAT have I gotten myself in to? THREE months without Reid or Mom or Dad or Anya or Elon or Harris Teeter or NCSU or food I recognize or weather I recognize....!?!?!? But it's really harder to explain that just that. It's an intense feeling - Seth described it best as "crippling depression." I just cry at random times of the day, and even though my mind doesn't want to consciously make the connection, it's when I'm thinking hard or talking a lot about Reid or my family.
Since the first day I've met some very cool people, gone out to Brighton to see the pier and had a day trip to London.
Yesterday was the London tour, and I missed the bus because I suck at alarms and ended up having to take the train by myself to meet them - I was proud! The train was expensive, but so is everything in this country and I feel like if I worry about money here as much as I do at home, I won't have any fun. And I am having fun. I'm sad but I'm also aware that I live here for a bit and there's a lot to do and see and I'm trying to make the most of it.
I remember when we did Post Secret the second time at the Pendulum and someone sent in one that said "I was so homesick the entire time I was abroad that I wasn't able to enjoy it. I regret it more than anything." I don't want to regret this. I just have a sort of pessimistic attitude about most things. What if someone at home dies while I'm here? What if I die? But I'm also practical, in that I know that worrying about these things won't make any difference except that I'll be miserable all the time instead of just sometimes.

So much has happened in the past few days that I know I can't describe it all. The campus of Uni Sussex is really nice, very green and brick, and spread out. There's a train station and bus stop right across the street. The buildings should be fairly easy to find once I get used to it.
I'm living in a hall-style dorm that shares kitchens, bathrooms and showers, which is something new to me because freshman year I lived in "Motel Chandler," which was not really what I'd call a dorm. I also was in the SLC so I didn't have the typical freshman experience so I'm having it now! I'm excited for Freshers Week in the beginning of October when I can sign up for Project V (like EV!) and for working in the news department at the radio station and for a Dynamic Body class at the gym (a mix of pilates, yoga and dance.) There is also a wine club that Haley and I had talked about joining. See - I'm going to try to keep busy! As always. I know that will help time go by, and then by the end I will be like damn...I wish it hadn't gone by so fast. Maybe.

I still don't have my Student ID card because there was a mix up with my rent (they lost it, but it's found! haha) so hopefully by tomorrow I'll get that, and get Internet. I need to get a Young Person's Rail Pass as well so I can travel around the UK - I think that's going to be about the extent of my traveling because everything is just so so expensive. I'll do what I can. I have people to travel with, too!

I start my English Folklore class in about an hour - Sussex in September is like Winter Term at Elon, except that it's all international students. Sussex is 25% international - how crazy is that!? It's awesome though, because they are so accomodating. The people running the SIS program are so enthusiastic and helpful and happy - it really helps me feel more at home.

Well this is far too long, but I will try to update more often so there isn't so much to write ;) I miss the Pendy staff and my roommates and friends and I love you all!!!

so. hard.

2008-09-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

This is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. I have moved to a different continent to stay for 14 weeks away from my family, my love, my home, my school, and basically everything that is familiar to me. I was miserable the first day, and since then it's been a mix of ups and downs. December 12 still feels like a long way off, so much so that it hurts. I hope it gets better...

one day...

2008-09-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm leaving tomorrow.
Yesterday was quite possibly the most productive day I've ever had. I went to the back, to AAA to get some pounds sterling and a pre-loaded visa card, bought some shoes and socks, made copies of important documents. I checked almost everything off my list. But I still don't feel reeeeady!

I started packing my suitcase a few weeks ago because I knew I'd pack way too much and have to take some out. So, I unpacked and repacked my clothes, and I haven't even put shampoo or shoes in yet, and it's definitely already over 50 lbs....I dunno how that happened...

I found out about a week ago that Death Cab for Cutie is on a European tour this fall and I freaked out!! :D :D :D I'm going to see them in either Scotland or Northern Ireland. I can't express my excitement. I just have to find someone else to go with me because I'm not sure I want to go alone.

Speaking of going alone. I'm surprisingly not that nervous about flying out to England and living there basically alone for a few months. I know I'll make friends, and Haley will be there. I have a feeling though, that when I get there it will all hit me.

So today, I have to finish up packing and do some last-minute errands. I don't leave for the airport until 4pm tomorrow so we'll see how nervewracking the morning will be...

I hope for Peace

2008-08-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

I hope for WORLD PEACE
The peace that will come when everyone wants it, and couples it with love
Peace for war-torn countries and their people
Peace for those displaced, for whatever reason
Peace for those who have to make the decisions
Peace of mind for future generations
Peace for Mother Earth

I hope for INTERPERSONAL PEACE
Peace between myself and my mother
For my family in their lives, but especially with the loss of Anthony David Esposito
For my relationship with Reid, that we continue to grow and love ever stronger
For no hatred, hostility, gossip or grudges
The Peace of Respect for everyone

I hope for INNER PEACE
In finding spirituality
In calming my nerves
In attacking my anxiety
In becoming simpler, calmer, happier
In being confident in myself and my decisions

I believe in PEACE.

i'm really seriously going to england in like 2.5 weeks holy crap

2008-08-18T18:15:00.001-07:00

I'm leaving in about 16 days for England. Then this will become my England Blog for three months. It will still serve as a Rant Blog and a Media Critiquing Blog and so on. Don't worry.

I just got my Sussex e-mail (keu20@sussex.ac.uk) and address (015 york house). I'm excited. But I'm also really, really tired and I have to get up at 4 to be at work at 4:45. Won't miss that!

who's next?

2008-08-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today I was eating at La Bamba with Reid and I decided that it is finally time for me to crack down on my candidate research. I told him that I couldn't see myself voting for McCain and feeling good about it, but then I couldn't really back it up, except for the fact that he is anti-abortion and wants to change it to a state-by-state law in hopes that it will become illegal. But...can he really do that?
So when I got home, i took some Aleve and dove in. Turns out, as far as I can tell, Obama and McCain aren't all that different.
When it comes to energy, they both basically want the same things. McCain's "celebrity" ad said that Obama was against offshore drilling, but they both suggest a mixture of offshore drilling and alternative fuels on their Web sites. They both recognize that there's definitely speculation and even that there have been deals made.
As for their stances on Iraq, they're very similar, but McCain wants to stay until Al Queda is gone and the country can take care of itself as a democracy, and Obama is going to start phasing troops out right away and work on stabilization and humanitarian efforts on the way, in hopes that leaving will force the Iraqis to step up. My question: why did it even get to the point of having to decide something like this? Sunnis and Shi'ites have hated each other for a long time and they had gotten almost chill with each other before Bush decided to go in. Now some of them are being paid by Americans to kill each other. Anyways, the point is, I don't really think McCain is going to be able to rid Iraq of Al Queda and if he waits for them to become a real democracy we'll never leave. It's not going to be good with phased redeployment either, but we're pretty much f*cked either way at this point. Your thoughts?

My dad told me he heard about some of this stuff on NPR, and I was thinking about how it's been reported that Bush has done all of these unethical and illegal things as president and how if we can impeach someone for f*cking up his personal life why can't we impeach him for f*cking up the country, either on purpose or by stupidity, whichever it was...and I realized that even if I do become a great reporter shedding light on things like this, most people won't believe me anyway. It's just kind of interesting. It seems like really big news, but no one really believes that Bush is a criminal, or he'd be out. But there's evidence. But I guess there was also "evidence" of WMDs in Iraq.

Anyway, I'm voting for Paris.

uhduhhh...

2008-08-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

So I read that post on EarthFirst about trying to cut plastic out of your life (see link on the right >>) and it was interesting, but then I scrolled down and read this one. I've noticed this before, but I didn't think this far into it - but it's so true! Meerkat Manor: I've never seen it, but the commercials for it compare the meerkats to Britney Spears and make it seem like a reality TV show. If you buy Planet Earth on DVD you'll listen to a British man and woman explaining the workings of the world to you in what some would call a dry manner, but they can be funny in their own way! If you watch Planet Earth on Discovery Channel, it's an American woman and she doesn't go nearly as in-depth. We're dummies!!! I hope those Brits rub off on me, IN 28 DAYS!!!! :D

Doom.

2008-08-01T09:59:00.001-07:00

Remember that photo guy Kevin I was talking about the other day, that talked to me about the lack of multimedia at the Herald-Sun? Yeah - he was laid off Tuesday. No warning, nothing, just gone. I went to lunch with some people because it's my last day and they mentioned it like it was nothing. He started his own business a few years ago and is trying to get that going again, but naturally he was pissed. Apparently five or so people were laid off in all. They just laid people off last summer, too.

I mean, need I actually type what I'm thinking?

Some good news, though. They asked me how I felt about my internship and I said I learned a lot, especially that I don't really want to do this particular thing for the rest of my life, and they said that's great, what do I want to do? So I told them that I like audio and video production and online stuff and they said the same thing they say at school - that's up-and-coming. So there are newspapers that do webcasts and videos and stuff? Yeah, they said, just not this one. Matthew said the News & Observer is really into that. I feel like these reporters respect that paper way more than they resent it as their competition. They know it's the shit, and I think they try to learn from it.

But if people keep getting laid off, the Herald-Sun and all of the other suffering papers are never going to catch up. I have a few things to finish up in the next four hours, and then I'm gone. I won't miss being called Yugio card or sitting in a cubicle all day or feeling like there's a ghost behind me when I walk through the production warehouse or getting lost in Durham. But I do wish this paper luck, and I hope that the upper management realizes that at this point, they don't really seem to have a choice - they're reluctant to go multimedia because they will "lose money," but isn't that happening anyway?

2008-07-31T11:31:00.001-07:00

I just started listening to Radiohead. So far, I give them smiles.

I complain so much. This morning I got a parking ticket and I was so pissed off, the whole way to Durham I was fuming. I even thought about how I was wasting my time and my life and my energy being so angry about it, but I just kept on. Humans are such strange things. I often find myself standing a few feet away watching myself talk and act and just being befuddled and awestruck and generally amused.

So instead of complaining today I'm going to talk about something a little more important. I'm working on an article about the Carolina Medical Mission, part of the Philippine American Association of North Carolina. It's a group of medical professionals and other various types of volunteers who go to a different province in the Philippines every January to give free medical care to the impoverished people there. I was on the phone with Jesse Pasion, the U.S. coordinator for next year's trip, this morning, and he was telling me about how amazing it feels to go there and really make a difference.

"It changes your life, I mean it just defines you," he said. "For me it defines my legacy. Obviously all of us have one to leave in this world and the service to mankind I think would be one of the best ones we could leave."

I didn't think of this until just now when I was re-typing that, but what an answer to my question about life's purpose. But when I was actually talking to him, it brought back my idea of going to AmeriCorps. The fact that I want to help so much, but I think it's so important to start here in our own country, our own decadent country where people live on the streets. I was just thinking, my god I want to do that so bad. I want to go and devote my entire life to helping people, if only for a little while. The summer before Elon when I did Pre-SERVE, it changed my life. I didn't let it last as long as I should have, but it really was a change. I still think about things like that, though not as often as I used to. But then I think about my career path. And what a path it is. I have the next two years planned already. I went to AmeriCorps.com and looked at the positions available in N.C. and even started to fill something out and I came across the question, "When is the earliest you can start on an AmeriCorps project?" Um. Two years from now. I closed the window.

I need a break from my plan. I'm going to England and that will kind of be a break, but I'll be taking comm classes. I hope it will be break enough, still. Then I'm doing my last semester of undergrad. Then I have the first half of next summer to work or something, then in the second half, grad starts. Then in May 2010 I'm....gonna get a job? Do I really want that? Buh!! I'm 20. Most people I know do not have their lives planned out this way.

But why in the world am I constantly comparing myself to other people? In every aspect of life?

Well, there I go complaining again. Funny how that happens.

I just can't seem to get it right

2008-07-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm like yes, I am doing well for my Pterodactyl story deadline and I will have it in on time and all will be well and Cindy won't think I'm a slacker anymore. And then I look back at the e-mail she sent me about the story idea and it says she would need it by Thursday to put it in the next Wednesday's paper, which would be the day after tomorrow, when I thought it was going to run. Well, shit. I really need to get my %^$@(&* act together.

Maybe it's just that the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT WITH THIS FREAKING CAREER is starting to show in my work/lack thereof.

Isn't it great that I'm broadcasting the fact that I am so angsty about this? I guess I just take honesty very seriously. Maybe one day I will look back at this silly little blog and think, yes, it was a turbulent but constructive time in my life and I'm glad I told the Web world (possibly including future employers) about it. Maybe it happens to everyone.

In other news (yes I think about other things!!) I am going to England in 38 days and I haven't fully realized it. I just really hope I don't forget something vitally important when I fly out. And I hope that border patrol or whoever doesn't detain me for looking like a druggie in my passport photo.
I'm supposed to get my doctor to sign something saying I'm healthy enough to go, and I'm thinking that a month is more than enough time to get that figured out, so I call today to get an appointment and find out he's not available until October 22. Awesome.

I moved my stuff from my apartment in Elon back home yesterday because I absolutely could NOT stand living alone for one more night. It's awful and scary and uncomfortable and I blame it on my anxiety disorder but I could not do it. Especially without cable. So I'm at home now, on the couch in the living room and Harley is asleep on the floor, and even though the TV is off right now (so I can concentrate on my article...) I know I could turn it on if I wanted to. And I could also go outside and lay in the sun or go down the street to the pool or eat something without worrying about paying for it. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to be away from home for the last few weeks that I'll be in the country. That was dumb. I'm a home body and I need my family time.

I'm really worried about our other dog, Zoe. She was coughing so my mom took her to the vet, who did blood tests and it turns out that she might have cancer. Apparently she's part Boxer and that happens to them a lot. She's about 10 years old so we don't know whether, if she does have cancer, we should put her through chemo or just let her chill until she's, well, done. Poor sweetheart.

I guess I might as well go on with this Pterodactyl article, even though it probably won't run now. Go me.

okay...

2008-07-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

My internship is almost over, and I'm kind of glad, mostly because it means I won't have to drive to Durham anymore, which will save gas.
I've given up on saving money for England though. Somehow I have about the same amount of money right now as I did at the beginning of the summer, and the only things I've spent money on have been gas and food, plus that $100 in Philadelphia, but come on...
My mom got some extra money in a loan though, so I know I'll be able to eat and hopefully travel while I'm there.

I'm in the Pendulum office right now, watching TV. I was working on my Web site but I just don't like the way it looks. I wanted it to look professional but it just looks kind of amateur to me. And I know I'm still kind of new at this but people looking at the site aren't supposed to know that! I never thought I'd say this but I'm thinking about re-doing the whole thing in Flash because I actually am more comfortable with that than Dreamweaver.

Speaking of such things: at the Herald-Sun the other day I was thinking about how I hadn't done anything but write all summer and I wanted to do something with multimedia. I went to the photo department and talked to Kevin Seifert, who told me that they don't have the equipment or manpower to do anything more than audio slide shows. That's definitely better than nothing, and I dunno why but I was surprised when he told me that they don't have a video camera there and they use their own personal audio recorders and cameras.
I e-mailed Dr. Copeland, my Comm school adviser, and he said this:

I think one thing that you have to remember is this: Most university programs are ahead of the curve of the real world. The News and Record and Times-News are shooting video as are some other papers. I’m surprised that the Herald Sun isn’t. Some don’t need to do so because they have well-established bases of subscribers. Some smaller papers are doing extremely well. The Pinehurst paper, I heard today, has its profits up 30 percent. I’ll be they don’t even think about video.

My point about universities is this: Maybe people don’t want the online stuff as much as we’re making it out. I NEVER look at anyone’s blog, nor do I ever look at the Times News online. I do the News and Record some and always the NYTimes, but not its video features. I know I’m old and outdated, but I would be interested in knowing just how many Elon students look at any of the Pendulum’s online features. I’ll bet hardly any do. As far as working to deadline. Yes, that’s what happens in most cases. Sometimes you can work on bigger pieces or fun things. I did them when I worked for a weekly, but for the daily, I was grinding out stories for each edition. Rarely did I get to do the other kinds, but I did do several. Some of it is what you make of it, so don’t be discouraged.

It really just made me more confused. Am I going in the right direction or not? Are all of these clips I got this summer going to mean anything? Are they going to mean MORE than anything else I do? Does it even matter that I did them if I can't get them to look presentable on my Web site? I thought I knew what I was doing! But I guess this is college...

2008-07-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

I got back yesterday from visiting Jenn in PA, and she got me so excited about traveling. I'm still nervous, but hearing about everything she did when she lived in Germany during her junior year in high school made me feel like if she was able to do that, I can do this.
There's a lot of stuff I have to do before then, though. Like get who knows how many more hours at my internship, try to save money (which has not happened at all this summer somehow) and pray that my passport will come back and I will be approved for a visa.

I saw The Dark Knight the other day, and althought it was artful and intense, it didn't wow me all that much. Except for the part where the 18-wheeler does a backflip. That was cool. But other than that I was just so distracted by Heath's face, trying to see him underneath the makeup. It's kind of ironic, you know, I went to my uncle's funeral last week and he didn't look like himself beneath the makeup either. Not completely. Granted, I hadn't seen him in about a year, and he'd changed a lot. I'm just thinking about death. I didn't respond the way I thought I would to my uncle's death...but really I guess I didn't know what to expect. It was a new feeling. I cried, but it just came out of nowhere, and I didn't feel much along with it. I guess I was sad, but usually I feel sad first, then cry. This was kind of simultaneous. I think it really only happened when I saw other people crying, like my mom and my cousins. And Aunt Cathy. Then after the funeral we had a reception and all the kids ended up playing four-square and it was just a regular family gathering. We moved on so fast without him. I think maybe, though, it's harder for me to understand and mourn because I'm so far away. For everyone in the family who is still living in East Haven, I'm sure it's kicked in a little more by now. I dunno. A funeral is a weird thing. The whole time I was listening to the preist I was just thinking about how I didn't like the sound of anything he said and I was looking out the windows and the sun in the trees and imagining that my uncle was an eagle, flying around somewhere. Something in my just said he'd be an eagle, if Buddhism is the way to go and he's started a new life.

I dunno.
I'm back trying to get into some kind of routine, although it's almost impossible in the summer, especially now that I'm half living at school and half at home and then sometimes at State with Reid and Evan.
Tomorrow I'm going to Reidsville to hang out with Alexa and Ashley and get my microwave back!! Hooray.

Hahaha

2008-07-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

What the newspaper business is coming to.
You can skip the middle but you HAVE to read the quote at the end.

Soda can give you cancer!!!!

2008-07-10T09:46:00.001-07:00

So I never drink soda anymore, but today I was craving some. I went to the vending machine and got a Fresca, and then I decided to read the ingredients. I was happy to see that there was no high fructose corn syrup, but then I didn't recognize any of the ingredients except for "carbonated water, cirtric acid, concentrated grapfruit juice and 'natural flavors.'"
I know, you're thinking, "well everything gives you cancer," but my Wikipedia search to find out what some of these ingredients really are got me thinking about how little we really know about the food we eat and how we don't even question it most times. And the people who make soda with things like potassium benzoate that can react with sodium and vitamin c to create benzene, a known carcinogen, don't really advertize it. Aspartame can give you brain tumors, brominated vegetable oil messes with your thyroids...Ew.
Now I remember why I quit drinking soda.

Kudzunol

2008-06-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

A use for Kudzu!!
Living in North Carolina, this is exciting. Although it's not rampant in my neighborhood, I have seen some intense Kudzu in Greensboro - maybe it could fuel our cars!?!?!? =D

Also, it's awesome that there are new GI benefits but of course, of course they come with a catch. Only a few more months with this guy.

I'm not having fun

2008-06-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

Being a newspaper reporter is kind of boring.
On my way in to Durham this morning, I realized that all I've been doing is soft news. This is not realistic. Or is it? From what I've been told, if I get a job as a reporter...anywhere...my first batch of assignments will probably be obituaries. Then courts and/or cops. Then what? I feel like I should be covering things going on in the city that really matter and I'm not...but then I let it sink in for a minute and I'm like hmm...maybe the soft stuff really is what matters to people. I mean maybe Durham residents really appreciate a story about people keeping hens in their backyards being on the front page of their paper...really? I guess it's just because I'm an intern, but my editor seems to be impressed with me. I like writing featurey things, but I'm afraid I won't have the right kind of experience when it comes time for a "real job." This is work I can do while I'm surfing Facebook and writing in my blog. My editor says I'm doing a great job and that I work really quickly. He said he'd treat me like all of his other reporters - so am I doing good for an intern, or just good? If I'm doing really well in general, why am I writing about weeds on I-85? Maybe I just need to take a step back and remember why we write the stories we write, why each of them is important. And why I'm doing this. Also, I think I'm just getting cabin fever. I mean I've only been here since nine, but just knowing I'll be at this cubicle most of the day is hard.

I've been thinking a lot about my career goals lately - mostly because people are asking me about them - and I don't think this is what I want to do permanently. I have always loved news radio, NPR and BBC in particular, and although I know next to nothing about working in radio, I think it might be the answer for me. I love to write, but I want to do more than call people up and type what they say. I know I can do more than that with these stories but...well I have plenty of excuses: gas, not knowing this city, feeling awkward. Those are things I know I have to get over regardless of the type of media I'm in, but it seems like I'd have more motivation if I knew I was going to write for radio and then read my stuff on air and maybe even help put it all together with ambience and voices. Maybe I'm just too naive about radio to know if I'd like it at all, and maybe I just think I'd like it because it's something new. At any rate, I'm taking a radio class when I'm abroad and I'll try to get in at the University of Sussex radio station. Maybe that'll help me decide. I just think I'm too stuck in print right now.

Speaking of which, I guess I'll go try to figure out why the weeds on the new stretch of I-85 around here (where the hell is that?) have yet to be mowed.

update

2008-06-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten better on the job front. I've done a bunch of training shifts at Starbucks and I'm getting pretty good at making drinks. Also, the assistant manager asked if I'd done this before because I'm picking up so fast, and I haven't so that makes me feel good. I tend to focus on the things I cannot do, so realizing I'm good at something is a treat. I had to open one day though, which meant I had to be there at 4:45 a.m. and I have to do it again on Sunday and I am not looking forward to it. Especially since this time there is no end time for my shift so I think they are trying to keep me there forever. Which reminds me that yesterday my editor told me that I'm the kind of person he'd like to have on staff at his paper and I was like well damn please remember that in two years. Or sooner.

I am not doing well with the diet I started. It was not a "I need to lose 5 or 10 or even 15 pounds" diet, it was a wow I am eating stuff that is made out of stuff I can't pronounce and doesn't look natural so I should eat better...and possibly lose some of my belly while doing it. But I feel like I have even less time to work out now that I'm not in school. Or maybe it's less energy because it's so hot. And when I am not working at the coffee shop or the paper I am sitting at home or going out and eating. Which is another problem. The going out thing.

My plan for this summer was to save save save. I am not saving. I am driving back and forth to Durham twice a week and back and forth to Elon even more than that. I just haven't gotten paid yet, so that hurts. Buh. Hopefully once I move in to my apartment in Elon I can save more.

Back to the diet thing. My dad and my sister and I were going to do a relay triathlon in July. It's just so hot...and I just don't feel fit. Even while I was training for my last triathlon, I just felt weighty. I just eat too many desserts, I know that's it. I tried to give them up but it's hard to eat well when you're living this transient kind of life I am right now.

This blog is not supposed to be for complaining.
How about all of the craziness going on right now??
Four Boy Scouts were killed by a tornado in Iowa. I read the article in the New York Times today and almost cried right here at my little intern desk. And the tomatoes. I have been eating a lot of them. I hope I don't get Salmonella.

I'm starting to think more about Brighton. It's not so far away anymore. I need to get on that visa application and such. I hope I don't get insanely nervous right before I get on the plane. Last night I was talking to Reid about how he is spending his money on an HDTV instead of on a plane ticket to visit me (slight girlfriend guilt trip) and he just made this squinty face and talked about how terrified he is of planes. Hello! I HAVE to take that flight! I hope his fears don't rub off on me, and I hope he holds them back when I leave.

I should get back to this lead poisoning article.

This is a different kind of post.

2008-06-01T08:56:00.001-07:00

I'm frustrated.
I got this new job at a Starbucks in Elon because I thought that would make sense. Even though I'd have to commute this summer, I'd have a job for the next two years while I'm still in school there.
I had an orientation last Wednesday, but I only knew about it after calling over and over to figure out when I was supposed to come in. It went great, and the manager even told me he would probably need me this weekend just to help keep the cafe clean because this carnival popped up at the mall next door and he thought they'd be busy. But I didn't get a call and when I called to see if I was on the schedule, I was not. Now I don't know when my next orientation is and if it's going to be a once a week thing I can't handle it. I need to be working every day.
I'm driving to Durham twice a week for my internship and that is a lot of gas. I am going to be living in the U.K. for the last three months of this year and the exchange rate is not kind. I need to be working, and I was so miserable at Lowe's last year that I didn't want to do that to myself again. But at least if I did that I'd be working right now.
My sister works at our chiropractor and gets paid $8/hour to not do much. It's close to home and I could probably get a lot of hours. And my friend Britt works there, too, and I never get to see her. But do I give up on Starbucks? I don't know what to do, I just know I really need to be making money and not sitting around blogging and surfing Facebook.

Also, I had a silent falling out with my best friend from high school when we stopped talking a year or so ago. It was because of things like what happened yesterday. She wants to spend time with me and we decided that we really missed each other and it should happen soon, so I called her twice and I got no response. I wrote on her Facebook and IMed her and I got no response.

I just feel sort of alienated right now. Maybe this sounds like naive bantering, but I'm paying attention to what's going on the world, too. My days are just empty right now, and by empty I don't mean that I don't feel fulfilled, I mean that I feel lonely and I'm not making any money. And those two things I need right now. Also I am bored.

I went to a cool place last night called Elsewhere in downtown Greensboro and I'd like to spend my time there but I don't want to commit to anything when I don't know what my work schedule will be like. I know it's only June 1, but I'm obviously anxious about this.

Elsewhere

2008-05-31T16:08:00.001-07:00

The big drops made sounds like bubblewrap
I felt triumphant
I kept smiling inside, but I felt kind of dumb
Why don't I do this all the time?
Why does the high start to fade as soon as I drive away?
It was so green outside, the trees looking especially lush in the rain
I didn't turn the windshield wipers on fast enough
I liked the water on the windshield
I had liked driving with the windows down, getting wet
Running from the car to the store, getting soaked
I felt like a fake
As soon as I'd gone into that store, even though I'd spoken animatedly about the place, my mind felt different
I suppose a mind can feel
Sometimes mine feels green and loving and warm and activist
Sometimes it feels harder and greedy and "just like everyone else"
I wondered if I was lying to myself
But this really made me happy, I could tell
I didn't feel awkward
That word had permeated my life lately
The urge to prove something had significantly eased in that place
With the high walls and things stacked up to them
Brown and pale yellow and old and loved things living everywhere
Stuff upon stuff that someone bought once and has now found a higher purpose
Maybe
I had introduced myself and even though the looks weren't all welcoming
I'd felt more comfortable than I had with one of my friends two days before
I turned off the car and decided
I love new things
Green things
Eco things
Love things
And this was one or many of those things
And I was proud, that's where the triumph came from
I'd gone, even though I was hesitant
It just bothers me
Why was I hesitant?